Of trying to feel a way you simply don't?
I've been trying to convince myself for months that everything in my life is peachy-keen and I'm okay, just because I'm afraid of looking whiny and bitchy on Facebook.
Truth is, I hate the damned "social networking" site. I mean it when I say that I think about getting rid of it, because every time I get online I feel like something else just rubs me the wrong way, irks me, makes me feel left out, makes me feel ugly, makes me feel like I haven't done anything with my life or gone anywhere, makes me feel jealous for the successes and journeys of my friends and acquaintances, and worst of all, makes me feel like I'm more alone than when I sat around on my computer playing games, before I knew what puny MySpace even was.
If I didn't have no other way to reach most of the people on my friends list, Mortar Board, people from my classes, etc, I would have deleted it last December when people I had never even met were giving me crap for not getting married in a temple.
I've been hiding the fact that I've been feeling bad from most of the world for the last, oh, I'd say about a year. I've been completely torn up over the fact that my family seemed to hate (not just dislike, but hate) both my fiance and my decision to go through with marrying him, even though I'd never ONCE called them with a complaint, and still have yet to do so. I feel as though my relationship with Steve is as solid as it could ever be, which scared the crap out of me...and I felt like when I reached out to people for support because I was absolutely terrified, I was shot down and told to suck it up (hence why most people never knew I felt that way.)
I then felt like I had to hide my qualms about the marriage, about who I was going to have involved, about how I was going to pull it off. Then I felt like I had to worry about changing the date, felt stress when Steve's younger sister got engaged... which was selfish of me. I was worried that, somehow, our wedding would be overshadowed (meaning, mine) and that I would get distracted too much with that, and wouldn't get what I needed to get done, done in time (which actually ended up happening.) When I admit those kinds of things, it just makes me want to beat myself into a corner. People claim I can never say that I'm wrong ... quite frankly, that irritates me more than anything, because I am one of the few people I know who frequently claims such. I converted to the LDS church after 20 years of atheism, wiccanism, pseudo-religion and agnosticism..... I'm the freaking queen of admitting I'm wrong.
But I hid that, not well, but I did - and I feel like I got beat over and over again for it, too. Other issues were fit into here, too. But I guess it isn't my business to discuss those things, now, is it?
I've felt completely abandoned by the most important people this year. I feel like I can't depend on anyone, excepting the two that I feel I can actually talk to without judgement. Yet, I still worry about it. I've suffered from paranoia since my Sophomore year of high school, and this year it hit me hard. I hid how I felt to many people, because I felt that if I complained, I would get shot down even more for being a "complainer."
I know these things are ridiculous. I know this because I don't bitch and moan all the time. I'm not the kind of person who goes around sulking, expecting everyone to feel sorry for me. I got married this year, have three cats, two sweet guinea pigs, close to finishing my Bachelor's. I don't have a reason to bitch.
Right?
I think most of my problem comes from myself, and not wanting to face that I don't know how to fix myself. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like the medicine I've been taking has been sapping my energy, my patience, making me incredibly irritable, and even sapping my sex drive. I'm feeling more lost than ever, like I'm wandering in the mist with no guide.
I guess it's normal to feel this way on New Year's. Doesn't surprise me that I am feeling a little bit ... eh right now, I seem to feel that way this time of year annually!
I'm sure I'll feel better in the morning.
Thanks for reading,
Amber
