Well. I think it's been long enough since I've posted, that it's okay for me to give a bit of an update.
Graduate school is hard. No, not really because it's THAT much harder than undergrad. But the hard part of it is that I'm getting older, and I'm losing the motivation to be a student forever. I used to think that I could be an eternal student - and it's not as if I don't want to learn anymore, quite the contrary. But spending every day in a classroom is exhausting, it's expensive, and I know that I'm old enough to be holding a full-time job to support myself and my husband. Oy vey, I can't wait to be a legitimate adult, making my own money, not going further and further into debt just to breathe from day to day!
"So my hair is falling out, and I'm going insane - it doesn't feel abnormal to me..."
I've felt a surge of motivation over the last few days. I finally felt as though the major obstacle in front of me was fading away - and then it resurfaced. I know I've been struggling with my depression since I got married. I know it isn't a result of my marriage, but more the result of a dissolving friendship that occurred around that time. I haven't really been myself since, if I'm really being honest.
I can see these changes when faced with my current classmates, who make comments about how I know what I'm talking about, but I have no confidence. Now, in the past, I was known to be quite confident, to the point of near conceit in fact - - but I really have lost some of the power in front of others that I used to have. It's not that I'm not confident in what I have to say - it's that I don't have the confidence to say anything in front of other women. I feel vulnerable in a way I can't explain, which almost sickens me. I used to make friends pretty easily, and got through tough times in adolescence with good people from far away.
I joined a band this year! It's been really exciting, though sometimes I wonder how long it will last. Our musical styles are all so different, and we're a cover band - you can imagine some of the struggles we face when playing Beatles music and switching to Black Sabbath. It's a bit challenging, especially because it's difficult to know who to turn to when it comes to band leadership. I guess we'll work out those kinks as we get to it. I'm happy that I decided to stay up one night and look on Craigslist for band postings - but I would be lying if I said my depression wasn't affecting my every day life right now. I have good days and bad days, but I am mostly thankful for the fact that I'm not feeling sick every day like I did a year ago! My infirmity is currently purely emotional - and it's something I'm working on.
Which brings me to this - -
A few days ago I heard from someone who I haven't spoken with in quite a while. It has been rattling me, actually making me more upset at some times and more confident at others. I don't really know what I want out of this relationship anymore. My expectations over the last two years have been so sporadic, I don't know where I stand anymore. I was prepared to never face it again, but that is difficult when you don't want to be rude, and worst of all - - when you really do miss them, and you want to tell them you miss them, but are afraid they're going to tell you that they don't feel the same way.
What happens when you love someone and they don't love you back? I've forgotten. I hope I don't have to deal with that again - after all, I didn't initiate this. Maybe this will end positively - I will have to hope so.
Love all,
Amber
