At the local Redbox, I have been searching every day for the last two weeks for the movies "Precious" and "Princess and the Frog," to no avail. Today, I was lucky enough to find both movies available, and I couldn't help myself.
Knowing my husband would rather die than watch something as depressing as "Precious," I have already watched that one, and just put in "Princess and the Frog." I am hoping the disney is uplifting enough to get me to stop crying -- at least I have a happy movie to watch now, or I would be surfing Food Network every five minutes, praying something good came on!
Love all,
Amber
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Eww.... please dont read old posts!
Hey everyone! I hope I'm getting some new readers out there. That would be friggin' sweet!
But I do ask that you don't go back and read a lot of the old entries and take them to heart - remember that I started this blog when I was in a dark place (really.... it was black, and had no windows, not very fun lol) and now that I'm feeling like my old self again, I would like to not be judged by that first impression.
So please take me as I am, and understand I'm human like everyone else - I have my ups and downs. You just caught me on a downer for a while. The sun is coming out again though, and things are looking up. It will be better soon!
Love all,
Amber
But I do ask that you don't go back and read a lot of the old entries and take them to heart - remember that I started this blog when I was in a dark place (really.... it was black, and had no windows, not very fun lol) and now that I'm feeling like my old self again, I would like to not be judged by that first impression.
So please take me as I am, and understand I'm human like everyone else - I have my ups and downs. You just caught me on a downer for a while. The sun is coming out again though, and things are looking up. It will be better soon!
Love all,
Amber
I did it!
While I didn't get a chance to get all of my pictures off, I deleted my facebook tonight. No more updates, no more whining about what I'm thinking, no more obsessing. I'm feeling very free and happy to be out of there, knowing that there's so much more ahead of me to look forward to.
I'm trying to get myself out of the funk, and move upward instead. I hate how easy some people seem to heal; I hate being so cynical all the time. I have convinced myself, with my formerly over-sized ego, that I actually know how to master the pain after a breakup, how to deal with the loss of a friend, how to deal with the struggles of a new job or a new major - and I really only know one thing - how to deal with those things my way. I don't do a very good job, seeing as I still journal about my issues and cry myself to sleep sometimes (I am not very dramatic, I really am not, I promise!) But lately I have been dramatic, and I hate myself for it. If I were someone else, I wouldn't like me right now. THAT is what I want to change.
As far as I can tell, I've been doing a better job at getting my shit together, getting homework assignments done on time, being ahead of the game. I am hoping I get a scholarship for this upcoming year because I simply can't afford it. I'm thinking about writing more music and practicing the piano more, so I don't lose what I worked so hard to achieve. I am hoping that, one day, I will be able to try out for community theatre and land the role of Rose from Gypsy - and I dream of one day being able to get that letter from AMDA again, begging me to go to school in grand New York for musical theatre.
Eh, I know these are the things I dream about - but these dreams used to give me hope, and happiness. They used to make me a little cocky, too - but I was quickly grounded when I saw the bill for AMDA that first year, got the "no" from mom, and had to move to Greeley, Colorado for a major in Geology and Math (and gee am I glad I didn't do that in the end....)
I'm hoping that by re-igniting the dreams I used to have, and sharing that little bit of talent I possess with the people I care about the most, maybe I will one day again have the courage to perform in front of people I don't know, get out of the little hole of my musical brain, and start opening up to new horizons again. I mean, I remember starting to learn the guitar and teaching myself how to sing decently, and trying to barely squeal out "Come to my Window" like my life depended on it - and last year, I won a singing competition and bought my wedding dress for singing that very song perfectly all the way through, and showcasing something I worked very hard on at the finale. I was proud, I was happy - it feels good to share something you're good at. And apparently I'm not incredibly good at a ton of things, so I have to capitalize on the things that I do well!
Though, I must admit, passing the midterm in my ASLS 469 class with a 91 after not studying for it was pretty amazing. Thank you Lord for not letting my heart explode through my throat like I was convinced it was going to do!!
Love all,
Amber
I'm trying to get myself out of the funk, and move upward instead. I hate how easy some people seem to heal; I hate being so cynical all the time. I have convinced myself, with my formerly over-sized ego, that I actually know how to master the pain after a breakup, how to deal with the loss of a friend, how to deal with the struggles of a new job or a new major - and I really only know one thing - how to deal with those things my way. I don't do a very good job, seeing as I still journal about my issues and cry myself to sleep sometimes (I am not very dramatic, I really am not, I promise!) But lately I have been dramatic, and I hate myself for it. If I were someone else, I wouldn't like me right now. THAT is what I want to change.
As far as I can tell, I've been doing a better job at getting my shit together, getting homework assignments done on time, being ahead of the game. I am hoping I get a scholarship for this upcoming year because I simply can't afford it. I'm thinking about writing more music and practicing the piano more, so I don't lose what I worked so hard to achieve. I am hoping that, one day, I will be able to try out for community theatre and land the role of Rose from Gypsy - and I dream of one day being able to get that letter from AMDA again, begging me to go to school in grand New York for musical theatre.
Eh, I know these are the things I dream about - but these dreams used to give me hope, and happiness. They used to make me a little cocky, too - but I was quickly grounded when I saw the bill for AMDA that first year, got the "no" from mom, and had to move to Greeley, Colorado for a major in Geology and Math (and gee am I glad I didn't do that in the end....)
I'm hoping that by re-igniting the dreams I used to have, and sharing that little bit of talent I possess with the people I care about the most, maybe I will one day again have the courage to perform in front of people I don't know, get out of the little hole of my musical brain, and start opening up to new horizons again. I mean, I remember starting to learn the guitar and teaching myself how to sing decently, and trying to barely squeal out "Come to my Window" like my life depended on it - and last year, I won a singing competition and bought my wedding dress for singing that very song perfectly all the way through, and showcasing something I worked very hard on at the finale. I was proud, I was happy - it feels good to share something you're good at. And apparently I'm not incredibly good at a ton of things, so I have to capitalize on the things that I do well!
Though, I must admit, passing the midterm in my ASLS 469 class with a 91 after not studying for it was pretty amazing. Thank you Lord for not letting my heart explode through my throat like I was convinced it was going to do!!
Love all,
Amber
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Can't Help This Feeling....
Oy.
I am currently plagued with a feeling of isolation.
I am tired of this feeling that I only have ONE friend, and that everyone else I know is friends with everyone else I know, but I don't get invited to anything. I don't understand how most everyone in my major has become great friends with everyone else, when I've been taking the same classes with them since Freshman year - and still, no one sits by me in class, no one offers to be in my group, no one wants to even consider being part of my circle of friends. I have made one semi-decent friend from my major, and it's nothing short of pathetic when I see all of these photo albums popping up on facebook of everyone I've ever had a class with hanging out with one another.
Gee, what a way to make you feel completely insignificant.
I have always struggled with this, and I have to ask you all - to those of you who know me in person, is there something I do when I make a first impression that immediately says, "Don't like me"? I don't understand why I have such a hard time making friends in person. Why am I twenty times more interesting when I'm not being myself, or when I'm cloaked by the internet?!
.... tired of feeling like I'm in first grade, and no one wants to be my friend,
GAH I feel so pathetic! I'm 21 and married, I shouldn't still be feeling like nobody likes me!
Amber
I am currently plagued with a feeling of isolation.
I am tired of this feeling that I only have ONE friend, and that everyone else I know is friends with everyone else I know, but I don't get invited to anything. I don't understand how most everyone in my major has become great friends with everyone else, when I've been taking the same classes with them since Freshman year - and still, no one sits by me in class, no one offers to be in my group, no one wants to even consider being part of my circle of friends. I have made one semi-decent friend from my major, and it's nothing short of pathetic when I see all of these photo albums popping up on facebook of everyone I've ever had a class with hanging out with one another.
Gee, what a way to make you feel completely insignificant.
I have always struggled with this, and I have to ask you all - to those of you who know me in person, is there something I do when I make a first impression that immediately says, "Don't like me"? I don't understand why I have such a hard time making friends in person. Why am I twenty times more interesting when I'm not being myself, or when I'm cloaked by the internet?!
.... tired of feeling like I'm in first grade, and no one wants to be my friend,
GAH I feel so pathetic! I'm 21 and married, I shouldn't still be feeling like nobody likes me!
Amber
Monday, March 1, 2010
How do you get the word out there?
How can you share a whole mind full of ideas when it seems like you're spending most of the time talking to yourself?
I wonder how it is so many people are able to get their videos, journals, blogs, pictures, ideas, etc, out there so easily - is there some secret I'm unaware of?
I'm sure someone might benefit from at least one of the thoughts that keeps roaming through me - but maybe I just need more people who are willing to listen.
Tell me - how do you spread the word?
Amber
I wonder how it is so many people are able to get their videos, journals, blogs, pictures, ideas, etc, out there so easily - is there some secret I'm unaware of?
I'm sure someone might benefit from at least one of the thoughts that keeps roaming through me - but maybe I just need more people who are willing to listen.
Tell me - how do you spread the word?
Amber
Moving Forward
Today is my 2nd anniversary with Steven - since we've been together, not since we've been married. Technically we got together on Leap day, but you do what you can when the day literally doesn't exist =D
I'm excited how far I've come in two years. I spent most of the first part of 2008 completely swamped with work and school, self-absorbed in relationship issues that I could have avoided by simply listening to my own conscience, and then I got slapped in the face with reality when my irresponsibility and lack of care for myself caused me to get violently ill in mid-January.
I'm proud of how much progress I've made, and I'm anxious about the future.
But I want to know - how do you feel about the last two years, since 2008, or even 2007? Have you made any big changes, or are there things you wish you hadn't done in the meantime? Tell me your story and I'll tell you mine.
Love, Amber
I'm excited how far I've come in two years. I spent most of the first part of 2008 completely swamped with work and school, self-absorbed in relationship issues that I could have avoided by simply listening to my own conscience, and then I got slapped in the face with reality when my irresponsibility and lack of care for myself caused me to get violently ill in mid-January.
I'm proud of how much progress I've made, and I'm anxious about the future.
But I want to know - how do you feel about the last two years, since 2008, or even 2007? Have you made any big changes, or are there things you wish you hadn't done in the meantime? Tell me your story and I'll tell you mine.
Love, Amber
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