While I didn't get a chance to get all of my pictures off, I deleted my facebook tonight. No more updates, no more whining about what I'm thinking, no more obsessing. I'm feeling very free and happy to be out of there, knowing that there's so much more ahead of me to look forward to.
I'm trying to get myself out of the funk, and move upward instead. I hate how easy some people seem to heal; I hate being so cynical all the time. I have convinced myself, with my formerly over-sized ego, that I actually know how to master the pain after a breakup, how to deal with the loss of a friend, how to deal with the struggles of a new job or a new major - and I really only know one thing - how to deal with those things my way. I don't do a very good job, seeing as I still journal about my issues and cry myself to sleep sometimes (I am not very dramatic, I really am not, I promise!) But lately I have been dramatic, and I hate myself for it. If I were someone else, I wouldn't like me right now. THAT is what I want to change.
As far as I can tell, I've been doing a better job at getting my shit together, getting homework assignments done on time, being ahead of the game. I am hoping I get a scholarship for this upcoming year because I simply can't afford it. I'm thinking about writing more music and practicing the piano more, so I don't lose what I worked so hard to achieve. I am hoping that, one day, I will be able to try out for community theatre and land the role of Rose from Gypsy - and I dream of one day being able to get that letter from AMDA again, begging me to go to school in grand New York for musical theatre.
Eh, I know these are the things I dream about - but these dreams used to give me hope, and happiness. They used to make me a little cocky, too - but I was quickly grounded when I saw the bill for AMDA that first year, got the "no" from mom, and had to move to Greeley, Colorado for a major in Geology and Math (and gee am I glad I didn't do that in the end....)
I'm hoping that by re-igniting the dreams I used to have, and sharing that little bit of talent I possess with the people I care about the most, maybe I will one day again have the courage to perform in front of people I don't know, get out of the little hole of my musical brain, and start opening up to new horizons again. I mean, I remember starting to learn the guitar and teaching myself how to sing decently, and trying to barely squeal out "Come to my Window" like my life depended on it - and last year, I won a singing competition and bought my wedding dress for singing that very song perfectly all the way through, and showcasing something I worked very hard on at the finale. I was proud, I was happy - it feels good to share something you're good at. And apparently I'm not incredibly good at a ton of things, so I have to capitalize on the things that I do well!
Though, I must admit, passing the midterm in my ASLS 469 class with a 91 after not studying for it was pretty amazing. Thank you Lord for not letting my heart explode through my throat like I was convinced it was going to do!!
Love all,
Amber
Showing posts with label progressing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label progressing. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Monday, March 1, 2010
Moving Forward
Today is my 2nd anniversary with Steven - since we've been together, not since we've been married. Technically we got together on Leap day, but you do what you can when the day literally doesn't exist =D
I'm excited how far I've come in two years. I spent most of the first part of 2008 completely swamped with work and school, self-absorbed in relationship issues that I could have avoided by simply listening to my own conscience, and then I got slapped in the face with reality when my irresponsibility and lack of care for myself caused me to get violently ill in mid-January.
I'm proud of how much progress I've made, and I'm anxious about the future.
But I want to know - how do you feel about the last two years, since 2008, or even 2007? Have you made any big changes, or are there things you wish you hadn't done in the meantime? Tell me your story and I'll tell you mine.
Love, Amber
I'm excited how far I've come in two years. I spent most of the first part of 2008 completely swamped with work and school, self-absorbed in relationship issues that I could have avoided by simply listening to my own conscience, and then I got slapped in the face with reality when my irresponsibility and lack of care for myself caused me to get violently ill in mid-January.
I'm proud of how much progress I've made, and I'm anxious about the future.
But I want to know - how do you feel about the last two years, since 2008, or even 2007? Have you made any big changes, or are there things you wish you hadn't done in the meantime? Tell me your story and I'll tell you mine.
Love, Amber
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Attempting to do something new -
A month ago, even longer actually, I was dealing with a lot of self-doubt, put-downs, and some other hyphenated issues, haha! I've been doing everything I can to heal and move forward with my life instead of backwards. I deleted half of the "friends" I had off of my Facebook, started to do some self-therapy to get over my paranoia, got the courage to call the doctor to figure out what was going on with me, and delved head-first into my schoolwork like my life depended on it.
Well, since the last time I posted, I have decided to delete my Facebook altogether, have healed the random infection that was making me feel like I was going crazy, changed my birth control twice only to go back to my original brand, and I have been accepted into Graduate school at the University of Northern Colorado for a Doctorate in Audiology. I have been offered a GA positionship with the University, and I will still be able to keep my current job. I have found temporary homes for the cats I was babysitting, and rearranged my living room so I don't have to look at furniture that was given to me by someone who is no longer speaking to me. I have made a new great friend, someone to confide in, and have become more active in my old pastime of LiveJournal.
On top of everything else, I am trying to teach myself to cook better; I've always loved cooking but I really doubt anyone else I know gets as much joy out of going grocery shopping as they do shopping for new shoes or clothes. I am going to do some experimentation in the next few weeks and will try to make a seafood fettuccine with shrimp, home-made chicken fingers, and other various dishes. Maybe I've been watching too much food network, but I would like to expand my recipe book, and create some dishes that can have my name attached to them *instead of just my family classic, Jane's casserole, of whom I've never met the namesake, but we all love it so much!*
I'm excited to do some new things, and I'm excited to move forward. I don't want to break down anymore for other people, and I don't want to feel guilty for doing things I never did. At 21 years old, I have realized recently that I will never FEEL like I'm an "adult," because other people will always have some excuse to view me differently. So I'm going to live my life as I want to live it - I don't have anything to lose but more time!
Love to all,
Amber
Well, since the last time I posted, I have decided to delete my Facebook altogether, have healed the random infection that was making me feel like I was going crazy, changed my birth control twice only to go back to my original brand, and I have been accepted into Graduate school at the University of Northern Colorado for a Doctorate in Audiology. I have been offered a GA positionship with the University, and I will still be able to keep my current job. I have found temporary homes for the cats I was babysitting, and rearranged my living room so I don't have to look at furniture that was given to me by someone who is no longer speaking to me. I have made a new great friend, someone to confide in, and have become more active in my old pastime of LiveJournal.
On top of everything else, I am trying to teach myself to cook better; I've always loved cooking but I really doubt anyone else I know gets as much joy out of going grocery shopping as they do shopping for new shoes or clothes. I am going to do some experimentation in the next few weeks and will try to make a seafood fettuccine with shrimp, home-made chicken fingers, and other various dishes. Maybe I've been watching too much food network, but I would like to expand my recipe book, and create some dishes that can have my name attached to them *instead of just my family classic, Jane's casserole, of whom I've never met the namesake, but we all love it so much!*
I'm excited to do some new things, and I'm excited to move forward. I don't want to break down anymore for other people, and I don't want to feel guilty for doing things I never did. At 21 years old, I have realized recently that I will never FEEL like I'm an "adult," because other people will always have some excuse to view me differently. So I'm going to live my life as I want to live it - I don't have anything to lose but more time!
Love to all,
Amber
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