I did it!

While I didn't get a chance to get all of my pictures off, I deleted my facebook tonight. No more updates, no more whining about what I'm thinking, no more obsessing. I'm feeling very free and happy to be out of there, knowing that there's so much more ahead of me to look forward to.

I'm trying to get myself out of the funk, and move upward instead. I hate how easy some people seem to heal; I hate being so cynical all the time. I have convinced myself, with my formerly over-sized ego, that I actually know how to master the pain after a breakup, how to deal with the loss of a friend, how to deal with the struggles of a new job or a new major - and I really only know one thing - how to deal with those things my way. I don't do a very good job, seeing as I still journal about my issues and cry myself to sleep sometimes (I am not very dramatic, I really am not, I promise!) But lately I have been dramatic, and I hate myself for it. If I were someone else, I wouldn't like me right now. THAT is what I want to change.

As far as I can tell, I've been doing a better job at getting my shit together, getting homework assignments done on time, being ahead of the game. I am hoping I get a scholarship for this upcoming year because I simply can't afford it. I'm thinking about writing more music and practicing the piano more, so I don't lose what I worked so hard to achieve. I am hoping that, one day, I will be able to try out for community theatre and land the role of Rose from Gypsy - and I dream of one day being able to get that letter from AMDA again, begging me to go to school in grand New York for musical theatre.

Eh, I know these are the things I dream about - but these dreams used to give me hope, and happiness. They used to make me a little cocky, too - but I was quickly grounded when I saw the bill for AMDA that first year, got the "no" from mom, and had to move to Greeley, Colorado for a major in Geology and Math (and gee am I glad I didn't do that in the end....)

I'm hoping that by re-igniting the dreams I used to have, and sharing that little bit of talent I possess with the people I care about the most, maybe I will one day again have the courage to perform in front of people I don't know, get out of the little hole of my musical brain, and start opening up to new horizons again. I mean, I remember starting to learn the guitar and teaching myself how to sing decently, and trying to barely squeal out "Come to my Window" like my life depended on it - and last year, I won a singing competition and bought my wedding dress for singing that very song perfectly all the way through, and showcasing something I worked very hard on at the finale. I was proud, I was happy - it feels good to share something you're good at. And apparently I'm not incredibly good at a ton of things, so I have to capitalize on the things that I do well!

Though, I must admit, passing the midterm in my ASLS 469 class with a 91 after not studying for it was pretty amazing. Thank you Lord for not letting my heart explode through my throat like I was convinced it was going to do!!

Love all,
Amber