A month ago, even longer actually, I was dealing with a lot of self-doubt, put-downs, and some other hyphenated issues, haha! I've been doing everything I can to heal and move forward with my life instead of backwards. I deleted half of the "friends" I had off of my Facebook, started to do some self-therapy to get over my paranoia, got the courage to call the doctor to figure out what was going on with me, and delved head-first into my schoolwork like my life depended on it.
Well, since the last time I posted, I have decided to delete my Facebook altogether, have healed the random infection that was making me feel like I was going crazy, changed my birth control twice only to go back to my original brand, and I have been accepted into Graduate school at the University of Northern Colorado for a Doctorate in Audiology. I have been offered a GA positionship with the University, and I will still be able to keep my current job. I have found temporary homes for the cats I was babysitting, and rearranged my living room so I don't have to look at furniture that was given to me by someone who is no longer speaking to me. I have made a new great friend, someone to confide in, and have become more active in my old pastime of LiveJournal.
On top of everything else, I am trying to teach myself to cook better; I've always loved cooking but I really doubt anyone else I know gets as much joy out of going grocery shopping as they do shopping for new shoes or clothes. I am going to do some experimentation in the next few weeks and will try to make a seafood fettuccine with shrimp, home-made chicken fingers, and other various dishes. Maybe I've been watching too much food network, but I would like to expand my recipe book, and create some dishes that can have my name attached to them *instead of just my family classic, Jane's casserole, of whom I've never met the namesake, but we all love it so much!*
I'm excited to do some new things, and I'm excited to move forward. I don't want to break down anymore for other people, and I don't want to feel guilty for doing things I never did. At 21 years old, I have realized recently that I will never FEEL like I'm an "adult," because other people will always have some excuse to view me differently. So I'm going to live my life as I want to live it - I don't have anything to lose but more time!
Love to all,
Amber
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Don't you ever get tired ...
Of trying to feel a way you simply don't?
I've been trying to convince myself for months that everything in my life is peachy-keen and I'm okay, just because I'm afraid of looking whiny and bitchy on Facebook.
Truth is, I hate the damned "social networking" site. I mean it when I say that I think about getting rid of it, because every time I get online I feel like something else just rubs me the wrong way, irks me, makes me feel left out, makes me feel ugly, makes me feel like I haven't done anything with my life or gone anywhere, makes me feel jealous for the successes and journeys of my friends and acquaintances, and worst of all, makes me feel like I'm more alone than when I sat around on my computer playing games, before I knew what puny MySpace even was.
If I didn't have no other way to reach most of the people on my friends list, Mortar Board, people from my classes, etc, I would have deleted it last December when people I had never even met were giving me crap for not getting married in a temple.
I've been hiding the fact that I've been feeling bad from most of the world for the last, oh, I'd say about a year. I've been completely torn up over the fact that my family seemed to hate (not just dislike, but hate) both my fiance and my decision to go through with marrying him, even though I'd never ONCE called them with a complaint, and still have yet to do so. I feel as though my relationship with Steve is as solid as it could ever be, which scared the crap out of me...and I felt like when I reached out to people for support because I was absolutely terrified, I was shot down and told to suck it up (hence why most people never knew I felt that way.)
I then felt like I had to hide my qualms about the marriage, about who I was going to have involved, about how I was going to pull it off. Then I felt like I had to worry about changing the date, felt stress when Steve's younger sister got engaged... which was selfish of me. I was worried that, somehow, our wedding would be overshadowed (meaning, mine) and that I would get distracted too much with that, and wouldn't get what I needed to get done, done in time (which actually ended up happening.) When I admit those kinds of things, it just makes me want to beat myself into a corner. People claim I can never say that I'm wrong ... quite frankly, that irritates me more than anything, because I am one of the few people I know who frequently claims such. I converted to the LDS church after 20 years of atheism, wiccanism, pseudo-religion and agnosticism..... I'm the freaking queen of admitting I'm wrong.
But I hid that, not well, but I did - and I feel like I got beat over and over again for it, too. Other issues were fit into here, too. But I guess it isn't my business to discuss those things, now, is it?
I've felt completely abandoned by the most important people this year. I feel like I can't depend on anyone, excepting the two that I feel I can actually talk to without judgement. Yet, I still worry about it. I've suffered from paranoia since my Sophomore year of high school, and this year it hit me hard. I hid how I felt to many people, because I felt that if I complained, I would get shot down even more for being a "complainer."
I know these things are ridiculous. I know this because I don't bitch and moan all the time. I'm not the kind of person who goes around sulking, expecting everyone to feel sorry for me. I got married this year, have three cats, two sweet guinea pigs, close to finishing my Bachelor's. I don't have a reason to bitch.
Right?
I think most of my problem comes from myself, and not wanting to face that I don't know how to fix myself. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like the medicine I've been taking has been sapping my energy, my patience, making me incredibly irritable, and even sapping my sex drive. I'm feeling more lost than ever, like I'm wandering in the mist with no guide.
I guess it's normal to feel this way on New Year's. Doesn't surprise me that I am feeling a little bit ... eh right now, I seem to feel that way this time of year annually!
I'm sure I'll feel better in the morning.
Thanks for reading,
Amber
I've been trying to convince myself for months that everything in my life is peachy-keen and I'm okay, just because I'm afraid of looking whiny and bitchy on Facebook.
Truth is, I hate the damned "social networking" site. I mean it when I say that I think about getting rid of it, because every time I get online I feel like something else just rubs me the wrong way, irks me, makes me feel left out, makes me feel ugly, makes me feel like I haven't done anything with my life or gone anywhere, makes me feel jealous for the successes and journeys of my friends and acquaintances, and worst of all, makes me feel like I'm more alone than when I sat around on my computer playing games, before I knew what puny MySpace even was.
If I didn't have no other way to reach most of the people on my friends list, Mortar Board, people from my classes, etc, I would have deleted it last December when people I had never even met were giving me crap for not getting married in a temple.
I've been hiding the fact that I've been feeling bad from most of the world for the last, oh, I'd say about a year. I've been completely torn up over the fact that my family seemed to hate (not just dislike, but hate) both my fiance and my decision to go through with marrying him, even though I'd never ONCE called them with a complaint, and still have yet to do so. I feel as though my relationship with Steve is as solid as it could ever be, which scared the crap out of me...and I felt like when I reached out to people for support because I was absolutely terrified, I was shot down and told to suck it up (hence why most people never knew I felt that way.)
I then felt like I had to hide my qualms about the marriage, about who I was going to have involved, about how I was going to pull it off. Then I felt like I had to worry about changing the date, felt stress when Steve's younger sister got engaged... which was selfish of me. I was worried that, somehow, our wedding would be overshadowed (meaning, mine) and that I would get distracted too much with that, and wouldn't get what I needed to get done, done in time (which actually ended up happening.) When I admit those kinds of things, it just makes me want to beat myself into a corner. People claim I can never say that I'm wrong ... quite frankly, that irritates me more than anything, because I am one of the few people I know who frequently claims such. I converted to the LDS church after 20 years of atheism, wiccanism, pseudo-religion and agnosticism..... I'm the freaking queen of admitting I'm wrong.
But I hid that, not well, but I did - and I feel like I got beat over and over again for it, too. Other issues were fit into here, too. But I guess it isn't my business to discuss those things, now, is it?
I've felt completely abandoned by the most important people this year. I feel like I can't depend on anyone, excepting the two that I feel I can actually talk to without judgement. Yet, I still worry about it. I've suffered from paranoia since my Sophomore year of high school, and this year it hit me hard. I hid how I felt to many people, because I felt that if I complained, I would get shot down even more for being a "complainer."
I know these things are ridiculous. I know this because I don't bitch and moan all the time. I'm not the kind of person who goes around sulking, expecting everyone to feel sorry for me. I got married this year, have three cats, two sweet guinea pigs, close to finishing my Bachelor's. I don't have a reason to bitch.
Right?
I think most of my problem comes from myself, and not wanting to face that I don't know how to fix myself. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like the medicine I've been taking has been sapping my energy, my patience, making me incredibly irritable, and even sapping my sex drive. I'm feeling more lost than ever, like I'm wandering in the mist with no guide.
I guess it's normal to feel this way on New Year's. Doesn't surprise me that I am feeling a little bit ... eh right now, I seem to feel that way this time of year annually!
I'm sure I'll feel better in the morning.
Thanks for reading,
Amber
Monday, November 23, 2009
Feeling Pooky
...ever had one of those days where you just wanted to crawl into a hole and cry?
And you can think of some reasons why you feel upset specifically ... but overall, you just feel like crap?
That's me today - sorry, everyone.
Love, Amber
And you can think of some reasons why you feel upset specifically ... but overall, you just feel like crap?
That's me today - sorry, everyone.
Love, Amber
Thursday, October 1, 2009
The strange workings of college requirements -
Today I got my official Grad Check and Graduation Application completed; it's official, I only have 7 more required credits to complete and I have finished my Bachelor's degree in Audiology and Speech-Language Sciences!
I'm very excited to be getting to the end of this chapter in my life, for I know that Grad School will be a whole different experience. But I must say that I'm a little disappointed with the way things panned out for my college classroom experience. The classes didn't feel any harder than my high school courses. The writing assignments were graded with less than half of the rigorous attitude my previous instructors had applied. I had a job, which took away all of my social life and nearly all of my study time - yet I still managed to keep up my grades and keep most of my sanity along with it.
But while I feel like a few of the professors in my major understand my background and like how I pick up on the major things easily, half of the professors outside of my major all told me that Audiology shouldn't be what I'm doing - and it completely baffled me. Why not? I love it! I do well in it! So why should I not pursue it?
They echo the words that I wish were not so true - "You should be a lawyer, that's why."
Augh. I'm becoming a doctor. Isn't that enough?!
How do you feel about the program you're in? Have you found it much easier to get a Bachelor's degree than you thought? I know that when I was in high school, all of these things were "college prep," and they were scary. They were also, as I found out, unnecessary. At the end of your undergrad college experience, does it scare you that a Bachelor's is now the equivalent of a high school diploma in the 70's?
I both hate and love that my degree requires a doctorate to work in the field - but it also seems exhausting. Why is it our higher education institutions require a standardized test for entry that doesn't even show real skills as a student?
How do you feel about the college experience? Good, bad, neutral? I'd love to hear your thoughts!
Amber =D
I'm very excited to be getting to the end of this chapter in my life, for I know that Grad School will be a whole different experience. But I must say that I'm a little disappointed with the way things panned out for my college classroom experience. The classes didn't feel any harder than my high school courses. The writing assignments were graded with less than half of the rigorous attitude my previous instructors had applied. I had a job, which took away all of my social life and nearly all of my study time - yet I still managed to keep up my grades and keep most of my sanity along with it.
But while I feel like a few of the professors in my major understand my background and like how I pick up on the major things easily, half of the professors outside of my major all told me that Audiology shouldn't be what I'm doing - and it completely baffled me. Why not? I love it! I do well in it! So why should I not pursue it?
They echo the words that I wish were not so true - "You should be a lawyer, that's why."
Augh. I'm becoming a doctor. Isn't that enough?!
How do you feel about the program you're in? Have you found it much easier to get a Bachelor's degree than you thought? I know that when I was in high school, all of these things were "college prep," and they were scary. They were also, as I found out, unnecessary. At the end of your undergrad college experience, does it scare you that a Bachelor's is now the equivalent of a high school diploma in the 70's?
I both hate and love that my degree requires a doctorate to work in the field - but it also seems exhausting. Why is it our higher education institutions require a standardized test for entry that doesn't even show real skills as a student?
How do you feel about the college experience? Good, bad, neutral? I'd love to hear your thoughts!
Amber =D
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
There is no greater relief -
I truly have learned that there is no greater relief than to wake next to someone you love, and know they will still be there when you get home later that day, when you fall asleep that night, and when you wake again tomorrow.
I choose the word "relief" because, to me, that is exactly what it is. I will never forget the night I slept in the same bed with someone else, we didn't "sleep" together in that sense until nearly a year and a half later (when I married him.) But waking up that next morning, and still feeling his arms around me, as we tossed and turned all night pretending to be asleep but our hearts were both racing with excitement - - it was sweet, and perfect. Groggily crawling out of bed in the clothes we wore the night before, and having him put on his glasses that I hadn't seen in years just to drive me the block and a half home so I didn't have to walk.
It was a perfect morning.
I'm so grateful to have a perfect morning every day. =D
::feeling uber lovey dovey, sorry everyone::
Amber
I choose the word "relief" because, to me, that is exactly what it is. I will never forget the night I slept in the same bed with someone else, we didn't "sleep" together in that sense until nearly a year and a half later (when I married him.) But waking up that next morning, and still feeling his arms around me, as we tossed and turned all night pretending to be asleep but our hearts were both racing with excitement - - it was sweet, and perfect. Groggily crawling out of bed in the clothes we wore the night before, and having him put on his glasses that I hadn't seen in years just to drive me the block and a half home so I didn't have to walk.
It was a perfect morning.
I'm so grateful to have a perfect morning every day. =D
::feeling uber lovey dovey, sorry everyone::
Amber
Friendship
Today I learned a lot about how "friendships" develop in a child's mind while in my Sociology of Childhood and Adolescence class. It was interesting to reflect back on the way I used to make friends when I was in Elementary school; it was difficult for me to immediately adapt to everyone when I first came in, because I missed my old Preschool friends. I had no neighbors, no one to really cling to. Most of the kids in my Kindergarten class had friends from the local Preschool, and had known each other through church, and through their families.
... I admit I struggled this morning to remember some of the people I loved in Elementary school, but I did eventually remember! I didn't have any girlfriends until first grade, when I met my dear Amber Schad, and we were almost inseparable for about 8 years until she moved away to Pittsburg.
Ahem. She is now a lesbian. But moving on ...
I do know my first friends were all boys - and not the popular ones. I don't remember if I approached them first or if they approached me, but I do know that I stuck by them like glue. I was never romantically interested in any of them (though as we got older, the opposite happened ... and it was a little heartbreaking to say the least when I still wasn't interested) but they were the best friends I could have asked for.
Girls were always the biggest issue. A girl in 1st grade came to our school from England, and she and I were fast friends. I thought she was so cute, with her little blonde bob, and everyone just loved her. She was the most popular girl I'd ever known, and that is including all the high school cliques that are so well known. She was fast friends with all the cutest boys, all the teachers, all of ... everyone. She could draw, she could sing, could do pretty much everything. I don't think I'd ever felt jealousy before I met her - but I still yearned to be one of her friends. I like to think I was one of them for a few years ... but in retrospect, I'm not sure that I ever really was.
I was always gone from school, too, because I was sick a lot as a kid, so making steady friends in my classes was always pretty hard.
I remember feeling awkward and left out at a very early age. I don't really know why I didn't fit in - but I know I didn't. I started to become a "good student" after second grade (where I was a little delinquent) and I started to change my attitude a little. I became a kid of trends, and I always wanted the "hot new thing." Which was not easy on my parents, I'm sure, which I became very sorry for. But I was trying really hard to become "one of the crowd," and as time went on, I was STILL one of the guys - and that never really changed, I guess.
My girlfriends as I got older were more sporatic. I will say I never felt like I belonged to any specific group in high school. There were a few people on my speech team that I spent a lot of time with, but after Freshman year, I started to distance myself a little after I found out everything they said about me when I wasn't around. Of course they denied it (and still do) but I was no idiot. I caught one of them red handed and never told her that I heard it from her own mouth - she still denies saying what I accused her of.
Sometimes you have to learn to be careful.
Anyway, what I learned is that in elementary school, children learn how to ask questions, and edge their way into friendships. Children are very protective of their groups, and it turns out - there is scientific proof that friendship cliques are hard to break into!
Who knew science could prove what we all know from experience?!
My wedding taught me a lot of things about friendship - it taught me that there were a lot of people who showed up and worked hard to show me they cared, and there were a few people who left me feeling very disappointed. Heartbroken, in fact.
The point is that our friendships are fragile, both as children and as adults. That it's difficult to break into social groups not just when we are "new kids" and don't know anyone - but if you think about how hard it was to be included if you ever came into a new play group and had a new idea (and were immediately shunned because of it) then compare that to a new group at work not letting you eat lunch with them because you changed a spreadsheet formula in your first week. People like routine, and they don't like change - if you are going to break into their group and bring change with you, they're going to resist you as much as possible.
My dad taught me a very important lesson when I was younger - find one thing you have in common, just one thing, and that's all you need to make a friend. Proof of this is all the friends I made on Speech - we had nothing in common, but we loved what we were doing, and it was like finding instant Soulmates. I never knew Sami prior to my Sophomore year of college - but I think she will agree with me that if we hadn't had a few mutual friends, we wouldn't be as close as we are now.
Which I am incredibly thankful for, because she's been an amazing support to me since this year has been a hard one. She offers me great words of wisdom and comfort when I feel my worst - which is the absolute definition of a friend to me.
Friends should stick by your side in good times AND in bad - and not split when things get rough just because they may not like how you react.
My friends are all very dear to me, and I love them with all of my heart. I am so grateful to know that I have good friends that I can depend on, and that know they can depend on me.
I am so blessed. Love all!
Amber ♥
... I admit I struggled this morning to remember some of the people I loved in Elementary school, but I did eventually remember! I didn't have any girlfriends until first grade, when I met my dear Amber Schad, and we were almost inseparable for about 8 years until she moved away to Pittsburg.
Ahem. She is now a lesbian. But moving on ...
I do know my first friends were all boys - and not the popular ones. I don't remember if I approached them first or if they approached me, but I do know that I stuck by them like glue. I was never romantically interested in any of them (though as we got older, the opposite happened ... and it was a little heartbreaking to say the least when I still wasn't interested) but they were the best friends I could have asked for.
Girls were always the biggest issue. A girl in 1st grade came to our school from England, and she and I were fast friends. I thought she was so cute, with her little blonde bob, and everyone just loved her. She was the most popular girl I'd ever known, and that is including all the high school cliques that are so well known. She was fast friends with all the cutest boys, all the teachers, all of ... everyone. She could draw, she could sing, could do pretty much everything. I don't think I'd ever felt jealousy before I met her - but I still yearned to be one of her friends. I like to think I was one of them for a few years ... but in retrospect, I'm not sure that I ever really was.
I was always gone from school, too, because I was sick a lot as a kid, so making steady friends in my classes was always pretty hard.
I remember feeling awkward and left out at a very early age. I don't really know why I didn't fit in - but I know I didn't. I started to become a "good student" after second grade (where I was a little delinquent) and I started to change my attitude a little. I became a kid of trends, and I always wanted the "hot new thing." Which was not easy on my parents, I'm sure, which I became very sorry for. But I was trying really hard to become "one of the crowd," and as time went on, I was STILL one of the guys - and that never really changed, I guess.
My girlfriends as I got older were more sporatic. I will say I never felt like I belonged to any specific group in high school. There were a few people on my speech team that I spent a lot of time with, but after Freshman year, I started to distance myself a little after I found out everything they said about me when I wasn't around. Of course they denied it (and still do) but I was no idiot. I caught one of them red handed and never told her that I heard it from her own mouth - she still denies saying what I accused her of.
Sometimes you have to learn to be careful.
Anyway, what I learned is that in elementary school, children learn how to ask questions, and edge their way into friendships. Children are very protective of their groups, and it turns out - there is scientific proof that friendship cliques are hard to break into!
Who knew science could prove what we all know from experience?!
My wedding taught me a lot of things about friendship - it taught me that there were a lot of people who showed up and worked hard to show me they cared, and there were a few people who left me feeling very disappointed. Heartbroken, in fact.
The point is that our friendships are fragile, both as children and as adults. That it's difficult to break into social groups not just when we are "new kids" and don't know anyone - but if you think about how hard it was to be included if you ever came into a new play group and had a new idea (and were immediately shunned because of it) then compare that to a new group at work not letting you eat lunch with them because you changed a spreadsheet formula in your first week. People like routine, and they don't like change - if you are going to break into their group and bring change with you, they're going to resist you as much as possible.
My dad taught me a very important lesson when I was younger - find one thing you have in common, just one thing, and that's all you need to make a friend. Proof of this is all the friends I made on Speech - we had nothing in common, but we loved what we were doing, and it was like finding instant Soulmates. I never knew Sami prior to my Sophomore year of college - but I think she will agree with me that if we hadn't had a few mutual friends, we wouldn't be as close as we are now.
Which I am incredibly thankful for, because she's been an amazing support to me since this year has been a hard one. She offers me great words of wisdom and comfort when I feel my worst - which is the absolute definition of a friend to me.
Friends should stick by your side in good times AND in bad - and not split when things get rough just because they may not like how you react.
My friends are all very dear to me, and I love them with all of my heart. I am so grateful to know that I have good friends that I can depend on, and that know they can depend on me.
I am so blessed. Love all!
Amber ♥
Thursday, September 17, 2009
My Old Weekly Advice - rediscovered!
An old friend of mine told me yesterday that she still had all of the Weekly Advice emails that I used to send my Junior year of high school; it really touched my heart that she still had them, and even moreso when she sent them to me today.
I'll probably be posting them in one big blog sometime soon - right now I'm just trying to remember what I was alluding to in most of them!!
Have you ever found an old journal and asked yourself why you decided to hang on to what you did? I love discovering old poems, and heal myself from old wounds over again by remembering the strengths I had back in the day. It's comforting when I remember all I have gone through, to remind me that nothing I face could ever be THAT hard.
Love to all,
Amber
I'll probably be posting them in one big blog sometime soon - right now I'm just trying to remember what I was alluding to in most of them!!
Have you ever found an old journal and asked yourself why you decided to hang on to what you did? I love discovering old poems, and heal myself from old wounds over again by remembering the strengths I had back in the day. It's comforting when I remember all I have gone through, to remind me that nothing I face could ever be THAT hard.
Love to all,
Amber
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