Hello All -
Tonight I write with a little bit of a pained heart. I've finally come to the conclusion that I need to find a doctor in our area so I can set up an appointment - and let me tell you, avoiding the doctor is one of my favorite pasttimes.
Since I was very young, I've had medical issues ranging from ear surgeries to sinus infections so serious that doctors refused to treat me. I was even allergic to, quite literally, everything at one point, and I nearly lived off of rice, sugar, and soy milk for about six months. THAT was the worst time of my life by that point, really!
I haven't had a surgery since I was very young, and I'd be lying if I said I remembered it. I do remember finding my ear graft on my pillow one morning, and I even remember the exact moment that I became "an Atheist," lying in a hospital room at 8 years old, convinced that if there was a God - he'd be holding my hand, not watching me cry at 3 AM like I was.
While I'm thankful the latter of that statement has changed for me, my opinion of doctors and their usefulness has not. I hated getting poked and prodded, always being told there was something ELSE wrong with me - I was convinced they didn't know what they were talking about. About seven years ago (maybe longer now that I think of it), I started having drainage from my left ear again (I have a perforation in my eardrum on that side) that smelled very ominous, and was a big red flag for one of the most destructive ear infections possible: a Cholesteatoma. All of my doctors were convinced I had the infection, only removeable by surgery (and even after that, I could have relapses.) I was terrified. I even remember seeing Terrel Davis (attempting to disguise his huge frame, haha) at an MRI office in downtown Denver to confirm or disprove this diagnosis.
While all my doctors were certain I had it, I was constantly denying it. The infection wasn't painful, and if I didn't have drainage, I wouldn't have thought there was anything wrong at all. They put me on several different medications, all ear drops that burned like crazy as soon as they hit my ear canal... and they eventually roller coasted downward in severity until I was put on Floxin Otic, a mild ear drop that I barely felt at all. I remember thinking that this last infection was to be my miracle - so many doctors convinced I had this incredibly destructive infection, while I was hoping with all my hear that it wasn't - and my infection cleared up just like that. No Cholesteatoma - it was like the infection had never been there. I still have an unopened box of Floxin in my makeup drawer - a constant reminder that I have help should the drainage return someday.
Now, I do my best to keep my ears and body healthy. It's easy to see where my priorities are in health considering the fact that I only go to the doctor when I have the flu or some kind of throat problem; if it keeps me from work, then I care about it. Lately the most I've done is head over to Planned Parenthood every once in a while to grab some more of my B.C., and get on with my day.
Unfortunately, I have been ignoring a couple issues that have been bothering me for longer than they should, and ever since mid May, I've had a pain in my right shoulder that I, at first, considered to be from overstressing by lifting the cash bags at work. Now, it is so severe that it wakes me up at night, I can't move the blankets with my right arm without sharp pain, along with a laundry list of other daytime issues. I've always been able to pop my right shoulder in and out of its socket, which I know doesn't help things. I just never expected to essentially lose good use out of my right shoulder - and now I have to seek help for it. I really don't want to do it, and if I could just pretend it doesn't hurt anymore that would be great - but being woken up by something as stupid as my shoulder? It makes no sense. And if I tore something, I don't want to permanently damage it by ignoring the issue. But I feel panicky, and very worried about what I might be told when I do make it to the doctor (especially when they get to the part of, "this is your fault because....)
::sigh:: I guess it's my fault for putting the visit off too long -- but I'm going to pray that these issues are small, and will quickly be expelled so that I don't worry about them so much!
Love to all,
Amber
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