Well. I think it's been long enough since I've posted, that it's okay for me to give a bit of an update.
Graduate school is hard. No, not really because it's THAT much harder than undergrad. But the hard part of it is that I'm getting older, and I'm losing the motivation to be a student forever. I used to think that I could be an eternal student - and it's not as if I don't want to learn anymore, quite the contrary. But spending every day in a classroom is exhausting, it's expensive, and I know that I'm old enough to be holding a full-time job to support myself and my husband. Oy vey, I can't wait to be a legitimate adult, making my own money, not going further and further into debt just to breathe from day to day!
"So my hair is falling out, and I'm going insane - it doesn't feel abnormal to me..."
I've felt a surge of motivation over the last few days. I finally felt as though the major obstacle in front of me was fading away - and then it resurfaced. I know I've been struggling with my depression since I got married. I know it isn't a result of my marriage, but more the result of a dissolving friendship that occurred around that time. I haven't really been myself since, if I'm really being honest.
I can see these changes when faced with my current classmates, who make comments about how I know what I'm talking about, but I have no confidence. Now, in the past, I was known to be quite confident, to the point of near conceit in fact - - but I really have lost some of the power in front of others that I used to have. It's not that I'm not confident in what I have to say - it's that I don't have the confidence to say anything in front of other women. I feel vulnerable in a way I can't explain, which almost sickens me. I used to make friends pretty easily, and got through tough times in adolescence with good people from far away.
I joined a band this year! It's been really exciting, though sometimes I wonder how long it will last. Our musical styles are all so different, and we're a cover band - you can imagine some of the struggles we face when playing Beatles music and switching to Black Sabbath. It's a bit challenging, especially because it's difficult to know who to turn to when it comes to band leadership. I guess we'll work out those kinks as we get to it. I'm happy that I decided to stay up one night and look on Craigslist for band postings - but I would be lying if I said my depression wasn't affecting my every day life right now. I have good days and bad days, but I am mostly thankful for the fact that I'm not feeling sick every day like I did a year ago! My infirmity is currently purely emotional - and it's something I'm working on.
Which brings me to this - -
A few days ago I heard from someone who I haven't spoken with in quite a while. It has been rattling me, actually making me more upset at some times and more confident at others. I don't really know what I want out of this relationship anymore. My expectations over the last two years have been so sporadic, I don't know where I stand anymore. I was prepared to never face it again, but that is difficult when you don't want to be rude, and worst of all - - when you really do miss them, and you want to tell them you miss them, but are afraid they're going to tell you that they don't feel the same way.
What happens when you love someone and they don't love you back? I've forgotten. I hope I don't have to deal with that again - after all, I didn't initiate this. Maybe this will end positively - I will have to hope so.
Love all,
Amber
Monday, May 2, 2011
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Dealing with the Dumps
I guess it's time to admit that I have a problem - and that problem is called "baby fever." I am afraid I've caught the worst strain: Icravus Basonetticus.
I'm not ready to have a baby, and it's not really something that I want. Being a 22 year old woman with many pregnant friends, however, can make one very impressionable. I'm so glad Steve has a level head right now, because I'd be making some very stupid decisions with no one to tell me "Umm, Amber, that's really stupid."
I'm too selfish to be a mother right now, and I'm okay with that. I have always wanted a career and a good education, and I can't quit now. I am too much in debt to say goodbye to Graduate school when I just started - and if I become a doctor as I plan to be, I will have the resources necessary to take care of my family. I never want my children to feel neglected, lonely, or (this is the most important one) hungry - - I want to be able to give my kids everything. And I know I will never be able to do that. But I am much closer if I have an AuD.
BUT - - not being ready for a baby doesn't mean I can't have way too much fun oogling at baby stuff. Becky went into the hospital today to have her baby (yay!) Bambi and Tiffany are a few months out - - I can put this here because they don't read my blog, but I'm hoping that I can split the cost of the crib set with her mother. I know they don't have much right now and the "un-named daughter" (as I call her!) was quite unexpected. I've been cooing over mittens and little hats so much that I made Steve make a fist the other day so I could "model" the little beanie at Wal-Mart.
It's a sickness, I'm telling you!!
I just recently got called to the church nursery, which should curb this for a bit. I think it will reverse my ovary-explosions for some time, actually. Though I have to admit, when Liam reached out to me and slept on my shoulder this past Sunday, it was hard not to say "Steve, let's go home and have a kid... like, right now."
I have three babies already, though, in my kitties that are currently sleeping on the couch. Frisco has developed an odd patch on his neck, which I'm keeping a close eye on.
I wish I could say I was cured from my illness of the past year, but I can't say I am. I can't take an Excedrin without feeling like I'm going to fall over - and that's my body's reaction to every type of pain reliever at this point. My depression has recently flared, and I have been thinking about getting on some anti-depressants for that along with a cure for my anxiety, but I know it's going to kill my sex drive, and I'm thinking that's just not worth the risk after what happened to me while I was on the pill. I hate this feeling of perpetually being ill - and I hope it stops soon. Actually I'm just terrified that it's something serious and I don't know who to ask for help. I feel a bit lonely in that arena because it seems like no one knows me well enough to be alarmed with me... it just seems like I'm being a hypochondriac, when I can't explain "no, actually - I haven't been nauseated since I was 5, so feeling like I'm going to throw up every day for six months is absolutely NOT normal."
No, I'm not pregnant. I have baby fever, remember?
Love to all!
I'm not ready to have a baby, and it's not really something that I want. Being a 22 year old woman with many pregnant friends, however, can make one very impressionable. I'm so glad Steve has a level head right now, because I'd be making some very stupid decisions with no one to tell me "Umm, Amber, that's really stupid."
I'm too selfish to be a mother right now, and I'm okay with that. I have always wanted a career and a good education, and I can't quit now. I am too much in debt to say goodbye to Graduate school when I just started - and if I become a doctor as I plan to be, I will have the resources necessary to take care of my family. I never want my children to feel neglected, lonely, or (this is the most important one) hungry - - I want to be able to give my kids everything. And I know I will never be able to do that. But I am much closer if I have an AuD.
BUT - - not being ready for a baby doesn't mean I can't have way too much fun oogling at baby stuff. Becky went into the hospital today to have her baby (yay!) Bambi and Tiffany are a few months out - - I can put this here because they don't read my blog, but I'm hoping that I can split the cost of the crib set with her mother. I know they don't have much right now and the "un-named daughter" (as I call her!) was quite unexpected. I've been cooing over mittens and little hats so much that I made Steve make a fist the other day so I could "model" the little beanie at Wal-Mart.
It's a sickness, I'm telling you!!
I just recently got called to the church nursery, which should curb this for a bit. I think it will reverse my ovary-explosions for some time, actually. Though I have to admit, when Liam reached out to me and slept on my shoulder this past Sunday, it was hard not to say "Steve, let's go home and have a kid... like, right now."
I have three babies already, though, in my kitties that are currently sleeping on the couch. Frisco has developed an odd patch on his neck, which I'm keeping a close eye on.
I wish I could say I was cured from my illness of the past year, but I can't say I am. I can't take an Excedrin without feeling like I'm going to fall over - and that's my body's reaction to every type of pain reliever at this point. My depression has recently flared, and I have been thinking about getting on some anti-depressants for that along with a cure for my anxiety, but I know it's going to kill my sex drive, and I'm thinking that's just not worth the risk after what happened to me while I was on the pill. I hate this feeling of perpetually being ill - and I hope it stops soon. Actually I'm just terrified that it's something serious and I don't know who to ask for help. I feel a bit lonely in that arena because it seems like no one knows me well enough to be alarmed with me... it just seems like I'm being a hypochondriac, when I can't explain "no, actually - I haven't been nauseated since I was 5, so feeling like I'm going to throw up every day for six months is absolutely NOT normal."
No, I'm not pregnant. I have baby fever, remember?
Love to all!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Phoebe Prince - Who's at fault?
These posts are thoughts of mine from my journal and other blog that I think everyone needs to consider. Teen suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death among teens and adolescents in the US - it deserves more serious attention than a few high-profile articles on MSN. We need to talk about it and do more to prevent it.
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A few days ago I read an article about the late Phoebe Prince, the young Irish girl who committed suicide this past January after an alleged influx of bullying from her high school peers. The article was plastered all over the MSN Home Page - by author Emily Bazelon, who has been compiling information about cyber bullying.
I doubt there are many who haven’t heard this young girl’s story, but this woman’s take on it seemed odd to me. She approached the subject as if parents, teachers and prosecutors were out of line to accuse the “South Hadley Six” (as they’ve been termed by the media) of committing a crime, even though Prince’s suicide was, well, suicide, and not homicide or manslaughter. She raised these questions: “Should we send teenagers to prison for being nasty to one another? Is it really fair to lay the burden of Phoebe’s suicide on these kids?”
Well, I don’t really know the answer to that question. But I was once a mumbling, upset, bullied teenager, so I can offer my little bit of experience to the situation.
I read the article, and have been interested in this girl’s experience since I first heard about it over six months ago. Do I believe that all six of the young kids who are being charged with harming Phoebe deserve to be charged as such? No. I do not believe that. I do not believe that all six of these young people directly contributed to her death. She was known to be a cutter, and she made no big campaign to hide it. In fact, she even wrote an essay about cutting in a class (the excerpt I read was rather eloquent and empathetic, in fact.)
However, I do believe that these kids should have known better. The woman who wrote this article described interviews with police and other students at the school, all of which seemed to agree that Phoebe was involved with the conflicts directly, and that she may have instigated some of the offenses. She was known to have made friends with a boy named Sean, one of the kids being charged, whose girlfriend became jealous and started in on her. It is my understanding that this boy was not actually dating the girl who became jealous .. but anyone who has been in high school knows what I mean when I say “he was her property, even though they weren’t dating.”
It happened again with another boy - which I can only assume is why people at the school say “she was attracting boys away from relationships.” Why is this author treating Phoebe as if she was so guilty of doing something wrong? What’s missing in this situation?
Well, I hate to say it, folks, but I don’t think we’re looking at the situation correctly. I don’t mean to accuse the author of portraying her like this on purpose, but it seems as though the aim was to pin Phoebe as a malicious “boyfriend stealer.” Again, I went to high school. I had a “boyfriend stealer” attack my own relationship. But that didn't mean I threw things at her, slammed her into lockers, and got all of my close friends to call her a slut and a whore all over the community. It's disgusting.
I was accused as "boyfriend stealer" when I was a senior in high school, by someone who was in 8th grade. I admit, I had a crush on a boy a year younger than I was. He lived about a mile from me, and often gave me a ride home. We never dated, never kissed, never even exchanged “longing teenage hugs” for longer than 5 seconds. But as soon as he started dating an 8th grade girl who barely knew me, I was immediately painted as the “banana nosed bitch” on her social network, for the whole world to see. It was embarrassing and I hated it. But I didn’t go home and slice up my arms for it.
While I was the victim of high school bullying (like 100% of all other people who went to high school), the real reason I’m drawn to Phoebe’s story is I was on the other side of one such case. I dated a boy my junior year who was emotionally odd. He bounced from girlfriend to girlfriend, and often moaned about how the girl he really wanted was never the one he got. I listened to him complain about girl after girl after girl, until he finally asked me out. I thought he was romantic and sweet with how he obsessed over every girl he liked, and took him up on the offer. We would break up and get back together, like every other person he had dated, and I even dealt with other girls who thought he was a sweetheart (read: the first “boyfriend stealer” comment).
The last time he broke up with me, I remember telling him that I didn’t want to see him any more. I didn’t want to deal with his instability, his constant flirting with other girls, and the drama they came with. I forgot who I was dealing with. Every day for the next seven months, if I wasn’t getting emails to “please come back to me,” I was getting posts on his online journal about his unsuccessful suicide attempts. I wasn’t telling him off or bullying him, but he was torturing me by blaming me. He told my cousin that I had given him a stroke, and that the only thing that kept him alive from his hanging was “his feet dragging on the ground.” My hair fell out, I got depressed, and rarely left my house. I became terrified of running into him, and his close friends who ate up every word he said about me. I tried not to humor him with responses to his emails, and they only got worse - he started to drink and smoke, and would repeatedly tell stories of how he had almost died of alcohol poisoning the night before.
Do I believe these kids killed Phoebe Prince? I don’t know. I do know that if I had egged this guy on any more than just leaving him alone, he may very well have been successful at committing suicide, and I couldn't take the guilt of that possibility. Or, he may have been playing it up. I don’t know that either. But I do know that I wasn’t willing to take the chance. If someone you know is openly emotionally unstable, is a cutter, or takes anti-depressants, they don’t need any more encouragement to commit suicide than what they already feel every day - they need your help! I don’t think that bullying was the only ingredient in this tragic death, but I absolutely believe these kids should have known better.
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I can’t help but comment further on the case of Phoebe Prince and her death; as more news comes out about it by Emily Bazelon, I did more research and am absolutely appalled at what I’m finding.
It’s no big secret what happened to Phoebe, and my last post outlines my concerns that many people recently bring up - she was mentally ill, and was on anti-depressants, already at risk of suicide without the aid of bullying peers. What I didn’t know was that the students who bullied her most fervently, who are now on trial for her death, were CELEBRATORY about it after news spread, and are unapologetic about the cruel way they treated her prior to the incident. They went to a school dance just days after her passing, many of which seen celebrating and laughing while gesturing "noose-like" hand motions over curved necks.
Disgusting.
Many parents are commenting on these articles, asking “why wasn’t something done? why didn't the principal/superintendent/teachers DO something?” I have an unfortunate answer to that. They may have bullied her, too.
Did I find this somewhere? No. But the more I read about the kids who were tormenting her, the greater the picture. One girl in particular was an honor student and a star school athlete - in many cases, these students are “pets" of teachers, and in high school many of us confide in our educators. I know I did. And those teachers are, then, no longer the impartial advocate for students that they should be. They take sides just like the students do.
I recall another incident of my own childhood, during the year I was bullied nearly to death. I was suicidal and angry, left out by the fickle “friends” I thought I could trust - like many young teens. I was tired of being laughed at openly in class, tired of being accused of “stealing another girl’s wardrobe” when I came to class wearing a shirt that belonged to my sister - which looked similar to a shirt said girl had worn two weeks prior. I got tired of finding notes written about me, and was shocked when two girls came up to me and said that some people they knew were planning to prank me -- I never did thank them properly for trying to prepare me for that.
The worst incident of bullying that I can think of was not one many of my friends recall during my Junior year of high school - while that really sucked, let me tell you, the one that happened in 8th grade was far more detrimental to my self esteem. I will never forget being randomly approached by a girl in my social studies class; she was very popular, very pretty, and was new to the school - she owned it, as any new 8th grade pretty girl does in a small town. She commented on my grade on a large test we had taken that week (I honestly never saw my test, and never knew my real grade.) She said I had done well, but that I had cheated on the test, and did not deserve the grade.
I looked at her straight in the eye. “Really? I cheated? That’s news to me, I thought I studied my butt off for days… where did you hear that?”
She didn’t tell me where she got the notion from, but she did say she told our teacher about it. She then complained that our teacher couldn’t prove it, so there was no point in punishing me about it unless I confessed. She was asking me to confess for cheating on a test - something I had never done, and never have done in my life! I may have been the ugly duckling, I may have been awkward, I may have not been popular or great with boys - but I was a straight A student since I was in 3rd grade - and I testify to all of you that I did not get there by cheating!
I approached my teacher about it after everyone had left the class, and told her I had heard the rumor, and did not cheat on the test. I even offered to take it again to prove that I had studied, and not cheated. She denied, and didn’t even look me in the eye. It was no secret that I was being bullied all year - and here this woman was, participating in it.
When I got my report card for the end of the year, all A’s and one B - it was no surprise. The class where my grade dropped was my social studies class - and the teacher had believed the mean girls over my good grade. She gave me a zero for our biggest test.
Now, tell me, would I have gotten a B with a zero on a huge test if I hadn’t done well otherwise? No. Yet, she somehow my other grades were a fluke, or due to my good writing skills on papers and homework. The other evidence meant nothing. Of COURSE I had cheated - why would the good looking, sweet, well-known Christian girls in class lie about that?
During that year I quit band after being 1st chair flute for three years because of the bullying, I stopped playing my guitar for a year because of the bullying, and I chopped off half of my hair because of the bullying. I was insecure and upset, and it was obvious by the way my attitude and wardrobe changed. Our new math teacher that year, Mrs. Price, God bless her, took me aside one day because she could tell something was wrong. I broke down and told her about all of the bullying, everything that was going on, even the other teacher's actions. She listened - but it meant little ... she was being picked on by the students as well, because she smelled like cigarettes. I have to be honest - I never noticed it. But everyone knew about the nasty things said about her, and I watched her cry that day, too.
The truth of the matter is, I knew my teachers could tell that there was a problem, and nobody did a thing. But I got lucky - the bullying lead me to write in a journal to let out my frustration. I made it out alive.
Phoebe Prince didn't.
Parents tell you to report when you’re picked on - but what no one tells you is that it’s socially forbidden amongst other students. If you “nark” on someone for treating you badly, you are labeled a “nark,” and will never recover. I kept my mouth shut when the bullying continued into high school until my Junior year, because I knew no one would do anything anyway. This poor girl was most likely in a similar situation, where she felt she wasn’t safe anywhere - because when she did report it, nothing happened! She may have been safe in her classroom, but she was attacked on the internet, on Craig’s list (that was new, I didn’t know that was possible), received anonymous text messages that made fun of her, and was most notably attacked on her walk home the day she died. She didn't feel safe anywhere because she WASN'T safe anywhere.
The teachers, principal, and administrators of her school are just as guilty as those students for not paying more attention to those being bullied. Is it “normal” for people to be bullied at that age? Absolutely. Is it okay for it to continue because it’s a “rite of passage”? Absolutely NOT.
What do you think we should do about bullying in our school systems? What do you think we should do about bullying online? Should we ban our kids from using social networks until they're old enough to handle the nasty things said on them?
Is anywhere safe for our kids anymore?
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--
A few days ago I read an article about the late Phoebe Prince, the young Irish girl who committed suicide this past January after an alleged influx of bullying from her high school peers. The article was plastered all over the MSN Home Page - by author Emily Bazelon, who has been compiling information about cyber bullying.
I doubt there are many who haven’t heard this young girl’s story, but this woman’s take on it seemed odd to me. She approached the subject as if parents, teachers and prosecutors were out of line to accuse the “South Hadley Six” (as they’ve been termed by the media) of committing a crime, even though Prince’s suicide was, well, suicide, and not homicide or manslaughter. She raised these questions: “Should we send teenagers to prison for being nasty to one another? Is it really fair to lay the burden of Phoebe’s suicide on these kids?”
Well, I don’t really know the answer to that question. But I was once a mumbling, upset, bullied teenager, so I can offer my little bit of experience to the situation.
I read the article, and have been interested in this girl’s experience since I first heard about it over six months ago. Do I believe that all six of the young kids who are being charged with harming Phoebe deserve to be charged as such? No. I do not believe that. I do not believe that all six of these young people directly contributed to her death. She was known to be a cutter, and she made no big campaign to hide it. In fact, she even wrote an essay about cutting in a class (the excerpt I read was rather eloquent and empathetic, in fact.)
However, I do believe that these kids should have known better. The woman who wrote this article described interviews with police and other students at the school, all of which seemed to agree that Phoebe was involved with the conflicts directly, and that she may have instigated some of the offenses. She was known to have made friends with a boy named Sean, one of the kids being charged, whose girlfriend became jealous and started in on her. It is my understanding that this boy was not actually dating the girl who became jealous .. but anyone who has been in high school knows what I mean when I say “he was her property, even though they weren’t dating.”
It happened again with another boy - which I can only assume is why people at the school say “she was attracting boys away from relationships.” Why is this author treating Phoebe as if she was so guilty of doing something wrong? What’s missing in this situation?
Well, I hate to say it, folks, but I don’t think we’re looking at the situation correctly. I don’t mean to accuse the author of portraying her like this on purpose, but it seems as though the aim was to pin Phoebe as a malicious “boyfriend stealer.” Again, I went to high school. I had a “boyfriend stealer” attack my own relationship. But that didn't mean I threw things at her, slammed her into lockers, and got all of my close friends to call her a slut and a whore all over the community. It's disgusting.
I was accused as "boyfriend stealer" when I was a senior in high school, by someone who was in 8th grade. I admit, I had a crush on a boy a year younger than I was. He lived about a mile from me, and often gave me a ride home. We never dated, never kissed, never even exchanged “longing teenage hugs” for longer than 5 seconds. But as soon as he started dating an 8th grade girl who barely knew me, I was immediately painted as the “banana nosed bitch” on her social network, for the whole world to see. It was embarrassing and I hated it. But I didn’t go home and slice up my arms for it.
While I was the victim of high school bullying (like 100% of all other people who went to high school), the real reason I’m drawn to Phoebe’s story is I was on the other side of one such case. I dated a boy my junior year who was emotionally odd. He bounced from girlfriend to girlfriend, and often moaned about how the girl he really wanted was never the one he got. I listened to him complain about girl after girl after girl, until he finally asked me out. I thought he was romantic and sweet with how he obsessed over every girl he liked, and took him up on the offer. We would break up and get back together, like every other person he had dated, and I even dealt with other girls who thought he was a sweetheart (read: the first “boyfriend stealer” comment).
The last time he broke up with me, I remember telling him that I didn’t want to see him any more. I didn’t want to deal with his instability, his constant flirting with other girls, and the drama they came with. I forgot who I was dealing with. Every day for the next seven months, if I wasn’t getting emails to “please come back to me,” I was getting posts on his online journal about his unsuccessful suicide attempts. I wasn’t telling him off or bullying him, but he was torturing me by blaming me. He told my cousin that I had given him a stroke, and that the only thing that kept him alive from his hanging was “his feet dragging on the ground.” My hair fell out, I got depressed, and rarely left my house. I became terrified of running into him, and his close friends who ate up every word he said about me. I tried not to humor him with responses to his emails, and they only got worse - he started to drink and smoke, and would repeatedly tell stories of how he had almost died of alcohol poisoning the night before.
Do I believe these kids killed Phoebe Prince? I don’t know. I do know that if I had egged this guy on any more than just leaving him alone, he may very well have been successful at committing suicide, and I couldn't take the guilt of that possibility. Or, he may have been playing it up. I don’t know that either. But I do know that I wasn’t willing to take the chance. If someone you know is openly emotionally unstable, is a cutter, or takes anti-depressants, they don’t need any more encouragement to commit suicide than what they already feel every day - they need your help! I don’t think that bullying was the only ingredient in this tragic death, but I absolutely believe these kids should have known better.
------
I can’t help but comment further on the case of Phoebe Prince and her death; as more news comes out about it by Emily Bazelon, I did more research and am absolutely appalled at what I’m finding.
It’s no big secret what happened to Phoebe, and my last post outlines my concerns that many people recently bring up - she was mentally ill, and was on anti-depressants, already at risk of suicide without the aid of bullying peers. What I didn’t know was that the students who bullied her most fervently, who are now on trial for her death, were CELEBRATORY about it after news spread, and are unapologetic about the cruel way they treated her prior to the incident. They went to a school dance just days after her passing, many of which seen celebrating and laughing while gesturing "noose-like" hand motions over curved necks.
Disgusting.
Many parents are commenting on these articles, asking “why wasn’t something done? why didn't the principal/superintendent/teachers DO something?” I have an unfortunate answer to that. They may have bullied her, too.
Did I find this somewhere? No. But the more I read about the kids who were tormenting her, the greater the picture. One girl in particular was an honor student and a star school athlete - in many cases, these students are “pets" of teachers, and in high school many of us confide in our educators. I know I did. And those teachers are, then, no longer the impartial advocate for students that they should be. They take sides just like the students do.
I recall another incident of my own childhood, during the year I was bullied nearly to death. I was suicidal and angry, left out by the fickle “friends” I thought I could trust - like many young teens. I was tired of being laughed at openly in class, tired of being accused of “stealing another girl’s wardrobe” when I came to class wearing a shirt that belonged to my sister - which looked similar to a shirt said girl had worn two weeks prior. I got tired of finding notes written about me, and was shocked when two girls came up to me and said that some people they knew were planning to prank me -- I never did thank them properly for trying to prepare me for that.
The worst incident of bullying that I can think of was not one many of my friends recall during my Junior year of high school - while that really sucked, let me tell you, the one that happened in 8th grade was far more detrimental to my self esteem. I will never forget being randomly approached by a girl in my social studies class; she was very popular, very pretty, and was new to the school - she owned it, as any new 8th grade pretty girl does in a small town. She commented on my grade on a large test we had taken that week (I honestly never saw my test, and never knew my real grade.) She said I had done well, but that I had cheated on the test, and did not deserve the grade.
I looked at her straight in the eye. “Really? I cheated? That’s news to me, I thought I studied my butt off for days… where did you hear that?”
She didn’t tell me where she got the notion from, but she did say she told our teacher about it. She then complained that our teacher couldn’t prove it, so there was no point in punishing me about it unless I confessed. She was asking me to confess for cheating on a test - something I had never done, and never have done in my life! I may have been the ugly duckling, I may have been awkward, I may have not been popular or great with boys - but I was a straight A student since I was in 3rd grade - and I testify to all of you that I did not get there by cheating!
I approached my teacher about it after everyone had left the class, and told her I had heard the rumor, and did not cheat on the test. I even offered to take it again to prove that I had studied, and not cheated. She denied, and didn’t even look me in the eye. It was no secret that I was being bullied all year - and here this woman was, participating in it.
When I got my report card for the end of the year, all A’s and one B - it was no surprise. The class where my grade dropped was my social studies class - and the teacher had believed the mean girls over my good grade. She gave me a zero for our biggest test.
Now, tell me, would I have gotten a B with a zero on a huge test if I hadn’t done well otherwise? No. Yet, she somehow my other grades were a fluke, or due to my good writing skills on papers and homework. The other evidence meant nothing. Of COURSE I had cheated - why would the good looking, sweet, well-known Christian girls in class lie about that?
During that year I quit band after being 1st chair flute for three years because of the bullying, I stopped playing my guitar for a year because of the bullying, and I chopped off half of my hair because of the bullying. I was insecure and upset, and it was obvious by the way my attitude and wardrobe changed. Our new math teacher that year, Mrs. Price, God bless her, took me aside one day because she could tell something was wrong. I broke down and told her about all of the bullying, everything that was going on, even the other teacher's actions. She listened - but it meant little ... she was being picked on by the students as well, because she smelled like cigarettes. I have to be honest - I never noticed it. But everyone knew about the nasty things said about her, and I watched her cry that day, too.
The truth of the matter is, I knew my teachers could tell that there was a problem, and nobody did a thing. But I got lucky - the bullying lead me to write in a journal to let out my frustration. I made it out alive.
Phoebe Prince didn't.
Parents tell you to report when you’re picked on - but what no one tells you is that it’s socially forbidden amongst other students. If you “nark” on someone for treating you badly, you are labeled a “nark,” and will never recover. I kept my mouth shut when the bullying continued into high school until my Junior year, because I knew no one would do anything anyway. This poor girl was most likely in a similar situation, where she felt she wasn’t safe anywhere - because when she did report it, nothing happened! She may have been safe in her classroom, but she was attacked on the internet, on Craig’s list (that was new, I didn’t know that was possible), received anonymous text messages that made fun of her, and was most notably attacked on her walk home the day she died. She didn't feel safe anywhere because she WASN'T safe anywhere.
The teachers, principal, and administrators of her school are just as guilty as those students for not paying more attention to those being bullied. Is it “normal” for people to be bullied at that age? Absolutely. Is it okay for it to continue because it’s a “rite of passage”? Absolutely NOT.
What do you think we should do about bullying in our school systems? What do you think we should do about bullying online? Should we ban our kids from using social networks until they're old enough to handle the nasty things said on them?
Is anywhere safe for our kids anymore?
Friday, May 28, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Pair Movies Wisely
At the local Redbox, I have been searching every day for the last two weeks for the movies "Precious" and "Princess and the Frog," to no avail. Today, I was lucky enough to find both movies available, and I couldn't help myself.
Knowing my husband would rather die than watch something as depressing as "Precious," I have already watched that one, and just put in "Princess and the Frog." I am hoping the disney is uplifting enough to get me to stop crying -- at least I have a happy movie to watch now, or I would be surfing Food Network every five minutes, praying something good came on!
Love all,
Amber
Knowing my husband would rather die than watch something as depressing as "Precious," I have already watched that one, and just put in "Princess and the Frog." I am hoping the disney is uplifting enough to get me to stop crying -- at least I have a happy movie to watch now, or I would be surfing Food Network every five minutes, praying something good came on!
Love all,
Amber
Eww.... please dont read old posts!
Hey everyone! I hope I'm getting some new readers out there. That would be friggin' sweet!
But I do ask that you don't go back and read a lot of the old entries and take them to heart - remember that I started this blog when I was in a dark place (really.... it was black, and had no windows, not very fun lol) and now that I'm feeling like my old self again, I would like to not be judged by that first impression.
So please take me as I am, and understand I'm human like everyone else - I have my ups and downs. You just caught me on a downer for a while. The sun is coming out again though, and things are looking up. It will be better soon!
Love all,
Amber
But I do ask that you don't go back and read a lot of the old entries and take them to heart - remember that I started this blog when I was in a dark place (really.... it was black, and had no windows, not very fun lol) and now that I'm feeling like my old self again, I would like to not be judged by that first impression.
So please take me as I am, and understand I'm human like everyone else - I have my ups and downs. You just caught me on a downer for a while. The sun is coming out again though, and things are looking up. It will be better soon!
Love all,
Amber
I did it!
While I didn't get a chance to get all of my pictures off, I deleted my facebook tonight. No more updates, no more whining about what I'm thinking, no more obsessing. I'm feeling very free and happy to be out of there, knowing that there's so much more ahead of me to look forward to.
I'm trying to get myself out of the funk, and move upward instead. I hate how easy some people seem to heal; I hate being so cynical all the time. I have convinced myself, with my formerly over-sized ego, that I actually know how to master the pain after a breakup, how to deal with the loss of a friend, how to deal with the struggles of a new job or a new major - and I really only know one thing - how to deal with those things my way. I don't do a very good job, seeing as I still journal about my issues and cry myself to sleep sometimes (I am not very dramatic, I really am not, I promise!) But lately I have been dramatic, and I hate myself for it. If I were someone else, I wouldn't like me right now. THAT is what I want to change.
As far as I can tell, I've been doing a better job at getting my shit together, getting homework assignments done on time, being ahead of the game. I am hoping I get a scholarship for this upcoming year because I simply can't afford it. I'm thinking about writing more music and practicing the piano more, so I don't lose what I worked so hard to achieve. I am hoping that, one day, I will be able to try out for community theatre and land the role of Rose from Gypsy - and I dream of one day being able to get that letter from AMDA again, begging me to go to school in grand New York for musical theatre.
Eh, I know these are the things I dream about - but these dreams used to give me hope, and happiness. They used to make me a little cocky, too - but I was quickly grounded when I saw the bill for AMDA that first year, got the "no" from mom, and had to move to Greeley, Colorado for a major in Geology and Math (and gee am I glad I didn't do that in the end....)
I'm hoping that by re-igniting the dreams I used to have, and sharing that little bit of talent I possess with the people I care about the most, maybe I will one day again have the courage to perform in front of people I don't know, get out of the little hole of my musical brain, and start opening up to new horizons again. I mean, I remember starting to learn the guitar and teaching myself how to sing decently, and trying to barely squeal out "Come to my Window" like my life depended on it - and last year, I won a singing competition and bought my wedding dress for singing that very song perfectly all the way through, and showcasing something I worked very hard on at the finale. I was proud, I was happy - it feels good to share something you're good at. And apparently I'm not incredibly good at a ton of things, so I have to capitalize on the things that I do well!
Though, I must admit, passing the midterm in my ASLS 469 class with a 91 after not studying for it was pretty amazing. Thank you Lord for not letting my heart explode through my throat like I was convinced it was going to do!!
Love all,
Amber
I'm trying to get myself out of the funk, and move upward instead. I hate how easy some people seem to heal; I hate being so cynical all the time. I have convinced myself, with my formerly over-sized ego, that I actually know how to master the pain after a breakup, how to deal with the loss of a friend, how to deal with the struggles of a new job or a new major - and I really only know one thing - how to deal with those things my way. I don't do a very good job, seeing as I still journal about my issues and cry myself to sleep sometimes (I am not very dramatic, I really am not, I promise!) But lately I have been dramatic, and I hate myself for it. If I were someone else, I wouldn't like me right now. THAT is what I want to change.
As far as I can tell, I've been doing a better job at getting my shit together, getting homework assignments done on time, being ahead of the game. I am hoping I get a scholarship for this upcoming year because I simply can't afford it. I'm thinking about writing more music and practicing the piano more, so I don't lose what I worked so hard to achieve. I am hoping that, one day, I will be able to try out for community theatre and land the role of Rose from Gypsy - and I dream of one day being able to get that letter from AMDA again, begging me to go to school in grand New York for musical theatre.
Eh, I know these are the things I dream about - but these dreams used to give me hope, and happiness. They used to make me a little cocky, too - but I was quickly grounded when I saw the bill for AMDA that first year, got the "no" from mom, and had to move to Greeley, Colorado for a major in Geology and Math (and gee am I glad I didn't do that in the end....)
I'm hoping that by re-igniting the dreams I used to have, and sharing that little bit of talent I possess with the people I care about the most, maybe I will one day again have the courage to perform in front of people I don't know, get out of the little hole of my musical brain, and start opening up to new horizons again. I mean, I remember starting to learn the guitar and teaching myself how to sing decently, and trying to barely squeal out "Come to my Window" like my life depended on it - and last year, I won a singing competition and bought my wedding dress for singing that very song perfectly all the way through, and showcasing something I worked very hard on at the finale. I was proud, I was happy - it feels good to share something you're good at. And apparently I'm not incredibly good at a ton of things, so I have to capitalize on the things that I do well!
Though, I must admit, passing the midterm in my ASLS 469 class with a 91 after not studying for it was pretty amazing. Thank you Lord for not letting my heart explode through my throat like I was convinced it was going to do!!
Love all,
Amber
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Can't Help This Feeling....
Oy.
I am currently plagued with a feeling of isolation.
I am tired of this feeling that I only have ONE friend, and that everyone else I know is friends with everyone else I know, but I don't get invited to anything. I don't understand how most everyone in my major has become great friends with everyone else, when I've been taking the same classes with them since Freshman year - and still, no one sits by me in class, no one offers to be in my group, no one wants to even consider being part of my circle of friends. I have made one semi-decent friend from my major, and it's nothing short of pathetic when I see all of these photo albums popping up on facebook of everyone I've ever had a class with hanging out with one another.
Gee, what a way to make you feel completely insignificant.
I have always struggled with this, and I have to ask you all - to those of you who know me in person, is there something I do when I make a first impression that immediately says, "Don't like me"? I don't understand why I have such a hard time making friends in person. Why am I twenty times more interesting when I'm not being myself, or when I'm cloaked by the internet?!
.... tired of feeling like I'm in first grade, and no one wants to be my friend,
GAH I feel so pathetic! I'm 21 and married, I shouldn't still be feeling like nobody likes me!
Amber
I am currently plagued with a feeling of isolation.
I am tired of this feeling that I only have ONE friend, and that everyone else I know is friends with everyone else I know, but I don't get invited to anything. I don't understand how most everyone in my major has become great friends with everyone else, when I've been taking the same classes with them since Freshman year - and still, no one sits by me in class, no one offers to be in my group, no one wants to even consider being part of my circle of friends. I have made one semi-decent friend from my major, and it's nothing short of pathetic when I see all of these photo albums popping up on facebook of everyone I've ever had a class with hanging out with one another.
Gee, what a way to make you feel completely insignificant.
I have always struggled with this, and I have to ask you all - to those of you who know me in person, is there something I do when I make a first impression that immediately says, "Don't like me"? I don't understand why I have such a hard time making friends in person. Why am I twenty times more interesting when I'm not being myself, or when I'm cloaked by the internet?!
.... tired of feeling like I'm in first grade, and no one wants to be my friend,
GAH I feel so pathetic! I'm 21 and married, I shouldn't still be feeling like nobody likes me!
Amber
Monday, March 1, 2010
How do you get the word out there?
How can you share a whole mind full of ideas when it seems like you're spending most of the time talking to yourself?
I wonder how it is so many people are able to get their videos, journals, blogs, pictures, ideas, etc, out there so easily - is there some secret I'm unaware of?
I'm sure someone might benefit from at least one of the thoughts that keeps roaming through me - but maybe I just need more people who are willing to listen.
Tell me - how do you spread the word?
Amber
I wonder how it is so many people are able to get their videos, journals, blogs, pictures, ideas, etc, out there so easily - is there some secret I'm unaware of?
I'm sure someone might benefit from at least one of the thoughts that keeps roaming through me - but maybe I just need more people who are willing to listen.
Tell me - how do you spread the word?
Amber
Moving Forward
Today is my 2nd anniversary with Steven - since we've been together, not since we've been married. Technically we got together on Leap day, but you do what you can when the day literally doesn't exist =D
I'm excited how far I've come in two years. I spent most of the first part of 2008 completely swamped with work and school, self-absorbed in relationship issues that I could have avoided by simply listening to my own conscience, and then I got slapped in the face with reality when my irresponsibility and lack of care for myself caused me to get violently ill in mid-January.
I'm proud of how much progress I've made, and I'm anxious about the future.
But I want to know - how do you feel about the last two years, since 2008, or even 2007? Have you made any big changes, or are there things you wish you hadn't done in the meantime? Tell me your story and I'll tell you mine.
Love, Amber
I'm excited how far I've come in two years. I spent most of the first part of 2008 completely swamped with work and school, self-absorbed in relationship issues that I could have avoided by simply listening to my own conscience, and then I got slapped in the face with reality when my irresponsibility and lack of care for myself caused me to get violently ill in mid-January.
I'm proud of how much progress I've made, and I'm anxious about the future.
But I want to know - how do you feel about the last two years, since 2008, or even 2007? Have you made any big changes, or are there things you wish you hadn't done in the meantime? Tell me your story and I'll tell you mine.
Love, Amber
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Attempting to do something new -
A month ago, even longer actually, I was dealing with a lot of self-doubt, put-downs, and some other hyphenated issues, haha! I've been doing everything I can to heal and move forward with my life instead of backwards. I deleted half of the "friends" I had off of my Facebook, started to do some self-therapy to get over my paranoia, got the courage to call the doctor to figure out what was going on with me, and delved head-first into my schoolwork like my life depended on it.
Well, since the last time I posted, I have decided to delete my Facebook altogether, have healed the random infection that was making me feel like I was going crazy, changed my birth control twice only to go back to my original brand, and I have been accepted into Graduate school at the University of Northern Colorado for a Doctorate in Audiology. I have been offered a GA positionship with the University, and I will still be able to keep my current job. I have found temporary homes for the cats I was babysitting, and rearranged my living room so I don't have to look at furniture that was given to me by someone who is no longer speaking to me. I have made a new great friend, someone to confide in, and have become more active in my old pastime of LiveJournal.
On top of everything else, I am trying to teach myself to cook better; I've always loved cooking but I really doubt anyone else I know gets as much joy out of going grocery shopping as they do shopping for new shoes or clothes. I am going to do some experimentation in the next few weeks and will try to make a seafood fettuccine with shrimp, home-made chicken fingers, and other various dishes. Maybe I've been watching too much food network, but I would like to expand my recipe book, and create some dishes that can have my name attached to them *instead of just my family classic, Jane's casserole, of whom I've never met the namesake, but we all love it so much!*
I'm excited to do some new things, and I'm excited to move forward. I don't want to break down anymore for other people, and I don't want to feel guilty for doing things I never did. At 21 years old, I have realized recently that I will never FEEL like I'm an "adult," because other people will always have some excuse to view me differently. So I'm going to live my life as I want to live it - I don't have anything to lose but more time!
Love to all,
Amber
Well, since the last time I posted, I have decided to delete my Facebook altogether, have healed the random infection that was making me feel like I was going crazy, changed my birth control twice only to go back to my original brand, and I have been accepted into Graduate school at the University of Northern Colorado for a Doctorate in Audiology. I have been offered a GA positionship with the University, and I will still be able to keep my current job. I have found temporary homes for the cats I was babysitting, and rearranged my living room so I don't have to look at furniture that was given to me by someone who is no longer speaking to me. I have made a new great friend, someone to confide in, and have become more active in my old pastime of LiveJournal.
On top of everything else, I am trying to teach myself to cook better; I've always loved cooking but I really doubt anyone else I know gets as much joy out of going grocery shopping as they do shopping for new shoes or clothes. I am going to do some experimentation in the next few weeks and will try to make a seafood fettuccine with shrimp, home-made chicken fingers, and other various dishes. Maybe I've been watching too much food network, but I would like to expand my recipe book, and create some dishes that can have my name attached to them *instead of just my family classic, Jane's casserole, of whom I've never met the namesake, but we all love it so much!*
I'm excited to do some new things, and I'm excited to move forward. I don't want to break down anymore for other people, and I don't want to feel guilty for doing things I never did. At 21 years old, I have realized recently that I will never FEEL like I'm an "adult," because other people will always have some excuse to view me differently. So I'm going to live my life as I want to live it - I don't have anything to lose but more time!
Love to all,
Amber
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Don't you ever get tired ...
Of trying to feel a way you simply don't?
I've been trying to convince myself for months that everything in my life is peachy-keen and I'm okay, just because I'm afraid of looking whiny and bitchy on Facebook.
Truth is, I hate the damned "social networking" site. I mean it when I say that I think about getting rid of it, because every time I get online I feel like something else just rubs me the wrong way, irks me, makes me feel left out, makes me feel ugly, makes me feel like I haven't done anything with my life or gone anywhere, makes me feel jealous for the successes and journeys of my friends and acquaintances, and worst of all, makes me feel like I'm more alone than when I sat around on my computer playing games, before I knew what puny MySpace even was.
If I didn't have no other way to reach most of the people on my friends list, Mortar Board, people from my classes, etc, I would have deleted it last December when people I had never even met were giving me crap for not getting married in a temple.
I've been hiding the fact that I've been feeling bad from most of the world for the last, oh, I'd say about a year. I've been completely torn up over the fact that my family seemed to hate (not just dislike, but hate) both my fiance and my decision to go through with marrying him, even though I'd never ONCE called them with a complaint, and still have yet to do so. I feel as though my relationship with Steve is as solid as it could ever be, which scared the crap out of me...and I felt like when I reached out to people for support because I was absolutely terrified, I was shot down and told to suck it up (hence why most people never knew I felt that way.)
I then felt like I had to hide my qualms about the marriage, about who I was going to have involved, about how I was going to pull it off. Then I felt like I had to worry about changing the date, felt stress when Steve's younger sister got engaged... which was selfish of me. I was worried that, somehow, our wedding would be overshadowed (meaning, mine) and that I would get distracted too much with that, and wouldn't get what I needed to get done, done in time (which actually ended up happening.) When I admit those kinds of things, it just makes me want to beat myself into a corner. People claim I can never say that I'm wrong ... quite frankly, that irritates me more than anything, because I am one of the few people I know who frequently claims such. I converted to the LDS church after 20 years of atheism, wiccanism, pseudo-religion and agnosticism..... I'm the freaking queen of admitting I'm wrong.
But I hid that, not well, but I did - and I feel like I got beat over and over again for it, too. Other issues were fit into here, too. But I guess it isn't my business to discuss those things, now, is it?
I've felt completely abandoned by the most important people this year. I feel like I can't depend on anyone, excepting the two that I feel I can actually talk to without judgement. Yet, I still worry about it. I've suffered from paranoia since my Sophomore year of high school, and this year it hit me hard. I hid how I felt to many people, because I felt that if I complained, I would get shot down even more for being a "complainer."
I know these things are ridiculous. I know this because I don't bitch and moan all the time. I'm not the kind of person who goes around sulking, expecting everyone to feel sorry for me. I got married this year, have three cats, two sweet guinea pigs, close to finishing my Bachelor's. I don't have a reason to bitch.
Right?
I think most of my problem comes from myself, and not wanting to face that I don't know how to fix myself. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like the medicine I've been taking has been sapping my energy, my patience, making me incredibly irritable, and even sapping my sex drive. I'm feeling more lost than ever, like I'm wandering in the mist with no guide.
I guess it's normal to feel this way on New Year's. Doesn't surprise me that I am feeling a little bit ... eh right now, I seem to feel that way this time of year annually!
I'm sure I'll feel better in the morning.
Thanks for reading,
Amber
I've been trying to convince myself for months that everything in my life is peachy-keen and I'm okay, just because I'm afraid of looking whiny and bitchy on Facebook.
Truth is, I hate the damned "social networking" site. I mean it when I say that I think about getting rid of it, because every time I get online I feel like something else just rubs me the wrong way, irks me, makes me feel left out, makes me feel ugly, makes me feel like I haven't done anything with my life or gone anywhere, makes me feel jealous for the successes and journeys of my friends and acquaintances, and worst of all, makes me feel like I'm more alone than when I sat around on my computer playing games, before I knew what puny MySpace even was.
If I didn't have no other way to reach most of the people on my friends list, Mortar Board, people from my classes, etc, I would have deleted it last December when people I had never even met were giving me crap for not getting married in a temple.
I've been hiding the fact that I've been feeling bad from most of the world for the last, oh, I'd say about a year. I've been completely torn up over the fact that my family seemed to hate (not just dislike, but hate) both my fiance and my decision to go through with marrying him, even though I'd never ONCE called them with a complaint, and still have yet to do so. I feel as though my relationship with Steve is as solid as it could ever be, which scared the crap out of me...and I felt like when I reached out to people for support because I was absolutely terrified, I was shot down and told to suck it up (hence why most people never knew I felt that way.)
I then felt like I had to hide my qualms about the marriage, about who I was going to have involved, about how I was going to pull it off. Then I felt like I had to worry about changing the date, felt stress when Steve's younger sister got engaged... which was selfish of me. I was worried that, somehow, our wedding would be overshadowed (meaning, mine) and that I would get distracted too much with that, and wouldn't get what I needed to get done, done in time (which actually ended up happening.) When I admit those kinds of things, it just makes me want to beat myself into a corner. People claim I can never say that I'm wrong ... quite frankly, that irritates me more than anything, because I am one of the few people I know who frequently claims such. I converted to the LDS church after 20 years of atheism, wiccanism, pseudo-religion and agnosticism..... I'm the freaking queen of admitting I'm wrong.
But I hid that, not well, but I did - and I feel like I got beat over and over again for it, too. Other issues were fit into here, too. But I guess it isn't my business to discuss those things, now, is it?
I've felt completely abandoned by the most important people this year. I feel like I can't depend on anyone, excepting the two that I feel I can actually talk to without judgement. Yet, I still worry about it. I've suffered from paranoia since my Sophomore year of high school, and this year it hit me hard. I hid how I felt to many people, because I felt that if I complained, I would get shot down even more for being a "complainer."
I know these things are ridiculous. I know this because I don't bitch and moan all the time. I'm not the kind of person who goes around sulking, expecting everyone to feel sorry for me. I got married this year, have three cats, two sweet guinea pigs, close to finishing my Bachelor's. I don't have a reason to bitch.
Right?
I think most of my problem comes from myself, and not wanting to face that I don't know how to fix myself. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like the medicine I've been taking has been sapping my energy, my patience, making me incredibly irritable, and even sapping my sex drive. I'm feeling more lost than ever, like I'm wandering in the mist with no guide.
I guess it's normal to feel this way on New Year's. Doesn't surprise me that I am feeling a little bit ... eh right now, I seem to feel that way this time of year annually!
I'm sure I'll feel better in the morning.
Thanks for reading,
Amber
Monday, November 23, 2009
Feeling Pooky
...ever had one of those days where you just wanted to crawl into a hole and cry?
And you can think of some reasons why you feel upset specifically ... but overall, you just feel like crap?
That's me today - sorry, everyone.
Love, Amber
And you can think of some reasons why you feel upset specifically ... but overall, you just feel like crap?
That's me today - sorry, everyone.
Love, Amber
Thursday, October 1, 2009
The strange workings of college requirements -
Today I got my official Grad Check and Graduation Application completed; it's official, I only have 7 more required credits to complete and I have finished my Bachelor's degree in Audiology and Speech-Language Sciences!
I'm very excited to be getting to the end of this chapter in my life, for I know that Grad School will be a whole different experience. But I must say that I'm a little disappointed with the way things panned out for my college classroom experience. The classes didn't feel any harder than my high school courses. The writing assignments were graded with less than half of the rigorous attitude my previous instructors had applied. I had a job, which took away all of my social life and nearly all of my study time - yet I still managed to keep up my grades and keep most of my sanity along with it.
But while I feel like a few of the professors in my major understand my background and like how I pick up on the major things easily, half of the professors outside of my major all told me that Audiology shouldn't be what I'm doing - and it completely baffled me. Why not? I love it! I do well in it! So why should I not pursue it?
They echo the words that I wish were not so true - "You should be a lawyer, that's why."
Augh. I'm becoming a doctor. Isn't that enough?!
How do you feel about the program you're in? Have you found it much easier to get a Bachelor's degree than you thought? I know that when I was in high school, all of these things were "college prep," and they were scary. They were also, as I found out, unnecessary. At the end of your undergrad college experience, does it scare you that a Bachelor's is now the equivalent of a high school diploma in the 70's?
I both hate and love that my degree requires a doctorate to work in the field - but it also seems exhausting. Why is it our higher education institutions require a standardized test for entry that doesn't even show real skills as a student?
How do you feel about the college experience? Good, bad, neutral? I'd love to hear your thoughts!
Amber =D
I'm very excited to be getting to the end of this chapter in my life, for I know that Grad School will be a whole different experience. But I must say that I'm a little disappointed with the way things panned out for my college classroom experience. The classes didn't feel any harder than my high school courses. The writing assignments were graded with less than half of the rigorous attitude my previous instructors had applied. I had a job, which took away all of my social life and nearly all of my study time - yet I still managed to keep up my grades and keep most of my sanity along with it.
But while I feel like a few of the professors in my major understand my background and like how I pick up on the major things easily, half of the professors outside of my major all told me that Audiology shouldn't be what I'm doing - and it completely baffled me. Why not? I love it! I do well in it! So why should I not pursue it?
They echo the words that I wish were not so true - "You should be a lawyer, that's why."
Augh. I'm becoming a doctor. Isn't that enough?!
How do you feel about the program you're in? Have you found it much easier to get a Bachelor's degree than you thought? I know that when I was in high school, all of these things were "college prep," and they were scary. They were also, as I found out, unnecessary. At the end of your undergrad college experience, does it scare you that a Bachelor's is now the equivalent of a high school diploma in the 70's?
I both hate and love that my degree requires a doctorate to work in the field - but it also seems exhausting. Why is it our higher education institutions require a standardized test for entry that doesn't even show real skills as a student?
How do you feel about the college experience? Good, bad, neutral? I'd love to hear your thoughts!
Amber =D
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
There is no greater relief -
I truly have learned that there is no greater relief than to wake next to someone you love, and know they will still be there when you get home later that day, when you fall asleep that night, and when you wake again tomorrow.
I choose the word "relief" because, to me, that is exactly what it is. I will never forget the night I slept in the same bed with someone else, we didn't "sleep" together in that sense until nearly a year and a half later (when I married him.) But waking up that next morning, and still feeling his arms around me, as we tossed and turned all night pretending to be asleep but our hearts were both racing with excitement - - it was sweet, and perfect. Groggily crawling out of bed in the clothes we wore the night before, and having him put on his glasses that I hadn't seen in years just to drive me the block and a half home so I didn't have to walk.
It was a perfect morning.
I'm so grateful to have a perfect morning every day. =D
::feeling uber lovey dovey, sorry everyone::
Amber
I choose the word "relief" because, to me, that is exactly what it is. I will never forget the night I slept in the same bed with someone else, we didn't "sleep" together in that sense until nearly a year and a half later (when I married him.) But waking up that next morning, and still feeling his arms around me, as we tossed and turned all night pretending to be asleep but our hearts were both racing with excitement - - it was sweet, and perfect. Groggily crawling out of bed in the clothes we wore the night before, and having him put on his glasses that I hadn't seen in years just to drive me the block and a half home so I didn't have to walk.
It was a perfect morning.
I'm so grateful to have a perfect morning every day. =D
::feeling uber lovey dovey, sorry everyone::
Amber
Friendship
Today I learned a lot about how "friendships" develop in a child's mind while in my Sociology of Childhood and Adolescence class. It was interesting to reflect back on the way I used to make friends when I was in Elementary school; it was difficult for me to immediately adapt to everyone when I first came in, because I missed my old Preschool friends. I had no neighbors, no one to really cling to. Most of the kids in my Kindergarten class had friends from the local Preschool, and had known each other through church, and through their families.
... I admit I struggled this morning to remember some of the people I loved in Elementary school, but I did eventually remember! I didn't have any girlfriends until first grade, when I met my dear Amber Schad, and we were almost inseparable for about 8 years until she moved away to Pittsburg.
Ahem. She is now a lesbian. But moving on ...
I do know my first friends were all boys - and not the popular ones. I don't remember if I approached them first or if they approached me, but I do know that I stuck by them like glue. I was never romantically interested in any of them (though as we got older, the opposite happened ... and it was a little heartbreaking to say the least when I still wasn't interested) but they were the best friends I could have asked for.
Girls were always the biggest issue. A girl in 1st grade came to our school from England, and she and I were fast friends. I thought she was so cute, with her little blonde bob, and everyone just loved her. She was the most popular girl I'd ever known, and that is including all the high school cliques that are so well known. She was fast friends with all the cutest boys, all the teachers, all of ... everyone. She could draw, she could sing, could do pretty much everything. I don't think I'd ever felt jealousy before I met her - but I still yearned to be one of her friends. I like to think I was one of them for a few years ... but in retrospect, I'm not sure that I ever really was.
I was always gone from school, too, because I was sick a lot as a kid, so making steady friends in my classes was always pretty hard.
I remember feeling awkward and left out at a very early age. I don't really know why I didn't fit in - but I know I didn't. I started to become a "good student" after second grade (where I was a little delinquent) and I started to change my attitude a little. I became a kid of trends, and I always wanted the "hot new thing." Which was not easy on my parents, I'm sure, which I became very sorry for. But I was trying really hard to become "one of the crowd," and as time went on, I was STILL one of the guys - and that never really changed, I guess.
My girlfriends as I got older were more sporatic. I will say I never felt like I belonged to any specific group in high school. There were a few people on my speech team that I spent a lot of time with, but after Freshman year, I started to distance myself a little after I found out everything they said about me when I wasn't around. Of course they denied it (and still do) but I was no idiot. I caught one of them red handed and never told her that I heard it from her own mouth - she still denies saying what I accused her of.
Sometimes you have to learn to be careful.
Anyway, what I learned is that in elementary school, children learn how to ask questions, and edge their way into friendships. Children are very protective of their groups, and it turns out - there is scientific proof that friendship cliques are hard to break into!
Who knew science could prove what we all know from experience?!
My wedding taught me a lot of things about friendship - it taught me that there were a lot of people who showed up and worked hard to show me they cared, and there were a few people who left me feeling very disappointed. Heartbroken, in fact.
The point is that our friendships are fragile, both as children and as adults. That it's difficult to break into social groups not just when we are "new kids" and don't know anyone - but if you think about how hard it was to be included if you ever came into a new play group and had a new idea (and were immediately shunned because of it) then compare that to a new group at work not letting you eat lunch with them because you changed a spreadsheet formula in your first week. People like routine, and they don't like change - if you are going to break into their group and bring change with you, they're going to resist you as much as possible.
My dad taught me a very important lesson when I was younger - find one thing you have in common, just one thing, and that's all you need to make a friend. Proof of this is all the friends I made on Speech - we had nothing in common, but we loved what we were doing, and it was like finding instant Soulmates. I never knew Sami prior to my Sophomore year of college - but I think she will agree with me that if we hadn't had a few mutual friends, we wouldn't be as close as we are now.
Which I am incredibly thankful for, because she's been an amazing support to me since this year has been a hard one. She offers me great words of wisdom and comfort when I feel my worst - which is the absolute definition of a friend to me.
Friends should stick by your side in good times AND in bad - and not split when things get rough just because they may not like how you react.
My friends are all very dear to me, and I love them with all of my heart. I am so grateful to know that I have good friends that I can depend on, and that know they can depend on me.
I am so blessed. Love all!
Amber ♥
... I admit I struggled this morning to remember some of the people I loved in Elementary school, but I did eventually remember! I didn't have any girlfriends until first grade, when I met my dear Amber Schad, and we were almost inseparable for about 8 years until she moved away to Pittsburg.
Ahem. She is now a lesbian. But moving on ...
I do know my first friends were all boys - and not the popular ones. I don't remember if I approached them first or if they approached me, but I do know that I stuck by them like glue. I was never romantically interested in any of them (though as we got older, the opposite happened ... and it was a little heartbreaking to say the least when I still wasn't interested) but they were the best friends I could have asked for.
Girls were always the biggest issue. A girl in 1st grade came to our school from England, and she and I were fast friends. I thought she was so cute, with her little blonde bob, and everyone just loved her. She was the most popular girl I'd ever known, and that is including all the high school cliques that are so well known. She was fast friends with all the cutest boys, all the teachers, all of ... everyone. She could draw, she could sing, could do pretty much everything. I don't think I'd ever felt jealousy before I met her - but I still yearned to be one of her friends. I like to think I was one of them for a few years ... but in retrospect, I'm not sure that I ever really was.
I was always gone from school, too, because I was sick a lot as a kid, so making steady friends in my classes was always pretty hard.
I remember feeling awkward and left out at a very early age. I don't really know why I didn't fit in - but I know I didn't. I started to become a "good student" after second grade (where I was a little delinquent) and I started to change my attitude a little. I became a kid of trends, and I always wanted the "hot new thing." Which was not easy on my parents, I'm sure, which I became very sorry for. But I was trying really hard to become "one of the crowd," and as time went on, I was STILL one of the guys - and that never really changed, I guess.
My girlfriends as I got older were more sporatic. I will say I never felt like I belonged to any specific group in high school. There were a few people on my speech team that I spent a lot of time with, but after Freshman year, I started to distance myself a little after I found out everything they said about me when I wasn't around. Of course they denied it (and still do) but I was no idiot. I caught one of them red handed and never told her that I heard it from her own mouth - she still denies saying what I accused her of.
Sometimes you have to learn to be careful.
Anyway, what I learned is that in elementary school, children learn how to ask questions, and edge their way into friendships. Children are very protective of their groups, and it turns out - there is scientific proof that friendship cliques are hard to break into!
Who knew science could prove what we all know from experience?!
My wedding taught me a lot of things about friendship - it taught me that there were a lot of people who showed up and worked hard to show me they cared, and there were a few people who left me feeling very disappointed. Heartbroken, in fact.
The point is that our friendships are fragile, both as children and as adults. That it's difficult to break into social groups not just when we are "new kids" and don't know anyone - but if you think about how hard it was to be included if you ever came into a new play group and had a new idea (and were immediately shunned because of it) then compare that to a new group at work not letting you eat lunch with them because you changed a spreadsheet formula in your first week. People like routine, and they don't like change - if you are going to break into their group and bring change with you, they're going to resist you as much as possible.
My dad taught me a very important lesson when I was younger - find one thing you have in common, just one thing, and that's all you need to make a friend. Proof of this is all the friends I made on Speech - we had nothing in common, but we loved what we were doing, and it was like finding instant Soulmates. I never knew Sami prior to my Sophomore year of college - but I think she will agree with me that if we hadn't had a few mutual friends, we wouldn't be as close as we are now.
Which I am incredibly thankful for, because she's been an amazing support to me since this year has been a hard one. She offers me great words of wisdom and comfort when I feel my worst - which is the absolute definition of a friend to me.
Friends should stick by your side in good times AND in bad - and not split when things get rough just because they may not like how you react.
My friends are all very dear to me, and I love them with all of my heart. I am so grateful to know that I have good friends that I can depend on, and that know they can depend on me.
I am so blessed. Love all!
Amber ♥
Thursday, September 17, 2009
My Old Weekly Advice - rediscovered!
An old friend of mine told me yesterday that she still had all of the Weekly Advice emails that I used to send my Junior year of high school; it really touched my heart that she still had them, and even moreso when she sent them to me today.
I'll probably be posting them in one big blog sometime soon - right now I'm just trying to remember what I was alluding to in most of them!!
Have you ever found an old journal and asked yourself why you decided to hang on to what you did? I love discovering old poems, and heal myself from old wounds over again by remembering the strengths I had back in the day. It's comforting when I remember all I have gone through, to remind me that nothing I face could ever be THAT hard.
Love to all,
Amber
I'll probably be posting them in one big blog sometime soon - right now I'm just trying to remember what I was alluding to in most of them!!
Have you ever found an old journal and asked yourself why you decided to hang on to what you did? I love discovering old poems, and heal myself from old wounds over again by remembering the strengths I had back in the day. It's comforting when I remember all I have gone through, to remind me that nothing I face could ever be THAT hard.
Love to all,
Amber
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
While working out - proper attire?
Is it really necessary to wear a regular bra, a sports bra, a tank top AND a loose T-shirt while working out?
Today while I was at the gym with Steve, I saw at least three girls in this kind of attire. Is it really necessary? If they're trying to burn more fat and sweat more, why not just wear ... umm .... a sweatshirt and sweatpants?
Isn't that what they're for?
I may be a little out of the loop when it comes to my personal fashion and what I like to wear - I have an extensive closet, but I don't like to wear what's in it because I have this totally irrational fear that I'll somehow spoil my good clothes if I wear them. BUT this doesn't mean I don't know what looks good (and what looks ridiculous) on someone else.
It's the gym, and I won't judge overall appearance - but isn't the point of a sports bra to act as a bra AND a tank top? Why wear double of either of them (especially the bra part - wouldn't the straps falling down as you flexed drive you crazy?)
On another note - planning to laminate the strange fortune I got last week. Hopefully it's still where I put it last!!
Love to all, and goodnight!
Amber
Today while I was at the gym with Steve, I saw at least three girls in this kind of attire. Is it really necessary? If they're trying to burn more fat and sweat more, why not just wear ... umm .... a sweatshirt and sweatpants?
Isn't that what they're for?
I may be a little out of the loop when it comes to my personal fashion and what I like to wear - I have an extensive closet, but I don't like to wear what's in it because I have this totally irrational fear that I'll somehow spoil my good clothes if I wear them. BUT this doesn't mean I don't know what looks good (and what looks ridiculous) on someone else.
It's the gym, and I won't judge overall appearance - but isn't the point of a sports bra to act as a bra AND a tank top? Why wear double of either of them (especially the bra part - wouldn't the straps falling down as you flexed drive you crazy?)
On another note - planning to laminate the strange fortune I got last week. Hopefully it's still where I put it last!!
Love to all, and goodnight!
Amber
Monday, September 14, 2009
Should relationships be "hard" ?
So often lately, I have been hearing so many people talk about how their relationships are hard - and they should be. Elements include the necessity of arguing, altering how you see things to align with another person's views, general headbutting, and the very vague term, "hard work." I've even been told that my relationship should be questioned because I don't ever define my own relationship as "hard."
I'd like to know what you think - should you be skeptical if you get along with someone better, or consider your relationship more satisfying if you fight frequently? Would you define your relationship as difficult, and in general believe they should be? Please let me know what you think!
Amber =D
I'd like to know what you think - should you be skeptical if you get along with someone better, or consider your relationship more satisfying if you fight frequently? Would you define your relationship as difficult, and in general believe they should be? Please let me know what you think!
Amber =D
Saturday, September 12, 2009
The Craziness of Insomnia, and part two on Fortune Cookies
Ever had a night where, no matter what you did, you just couldn't find yourself falling asleep?
Doesn't matter how tired you are, how upset, angry, happy, elated, horny, etc, you are - you just can't get to the peaceful REM cycle.
Personally - I hate that feeling.
I wonder what to do with myself when the night gets longer and longer, my day creeps up on me in front of my eyes, and I just can't close them long enough to feel comforted by sleep. Instead I just stay up, research the most random things (tonight, part of it was human chimerism, a very interesting occurence where two embryos within the first four days of fertilization fuze together into one fetus, literally accruing two DNA sequences into one, normally functioning body) and try to expand my brain power while it's running at that "just asleep enough to remember everything I couldn't earlier in the day" stage.
That, and of course, listen to obscene Robin Williams jokes and Stephen Lynch songs, and recall the punchline so I laugh two minutes too early, making Steve look at me with that "you are very strange to have found that funny" look he gets. =D
My favorite is listening to "Superhero" by Steven Lynch, the 12 minute, two-part YouTube clip of it. Hilarious!
Do any of you have better ideas of what to do with your time when it gets too late to focus on a book, but you're too awake to eat or play a game?
The second half of my research tonight is part two of the Fortune Cookie post -
How a fortune cookie is made:
Some cookies are made with so few ingredients that they are incredibly soft and plyable when they are first removed from the oven; since Fortune Cookies are only made of flour, sugar, oil and eggs *nothing that would cause the cookies to change or rise other than cooking the egg to keep it all together* they are simply the four inch rounds they were when they first went into the oven.
Because they come out as essentially their "raw" state, they are able to be moved into the classic fortune cookie shape, and that is when the fortunes are placed within the cookies.
Boy - that would be an interesting job, wouldn't it? I would want to be a fortune cookie folder!!!
Love to all - I need to snuggle my kitties and try my hardest to go to bed.
Amber =D
Doesn't matter how tired you are, how upset, angry, happy, elated, horny, etc, you are - you just can't get to the peaceful REM cycle.
Personally - I hate that feeling.
I wonder what to do with myself when the night gets longer and longer, my day creeps up on me in front of my eyes, and I just can't close them long enough to feel comforted by sleep. Instead I just stay up, research the most random things (tonight, part of it was human chimerism, a very interesting occurence where two embryos within the first four days of fertilization fuze together into one fetus, literally accruing two DNA sequences into one, normally functioning body) and try to expand my brain power while it's running at that "just asleep enough to remember everything I couldn't earlier in the day" stage.
That, and of course, listen to obscene Robin Williams jokes and Stephen Lynch songs, and recall the punchline so I laugh two minutes too early, making Steve look at me with that "you are very strange to have found that funny" look he gets. =D
My favorite is listening to "Superhero" by Steven Lynch, the 12 minute, two-part YouTube clip of it. Hilarious!
Do any of you have better ideas of what to do with your time when it gets too late to focus on a book, but you're too awake to eat or play a game?
The second half of my research tonight is part two of the Fortune Cookie post -
How a fortune cookie is made:
Some cookies are made with so few ingredients that they are incredibly soft and plyable when they are first removed from the oven; since Fortune Cookies are only made of flour, sugar, oil and eggs *nothing that would cause the cookies to change or rise other than cooking the egg to keep it all together* they are simply the four inch rounds they were when they first went into the oven.
Because they come out as essentially their "raw" state, they are able to be moved into the classic fortune cookie shape, and that is when the fortunes are placed within the cookies.
Boy - that would be an interesting job, wouldn't it? I would want to be a fortune cookie folder!!!
Love to all - I need to snuggle my kitties and try my hardest to go to bed.
Amber =D
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